Insomnia...

When I can't sleep it is often a symptom that something is bouncing around in my head.  It is like a perpetual motion machine completely independent of itself yet connected to every thought in my mind. I can't put into words what I am feeling and thinking... yet the most compelling or correct word I could use is "restless."  

"Restless" literally means an inability to rest or relax as a result of anxiety or boredom.  Wow... anxiety or boredom... those words just echo through your mind... like a vapor, yet with the weight of a freight train.  It just sits on your chest and holds you down, yet when you reach for it becomes illusive, sort of like a phantom or a apparition.  

So where is this coming from... this restlessness... this anxiety and boredom.  For me it comes from both healthy and unhealthy origins.  I believe that I have conditioned myself to rely on accomplishments and excitement to measure my importance, value, and influence in life.  For example, when I was in college studying I was moving forward, there was momentum and I was gaining knowledge, experience, and the future was unknown yet hopeful.  Yet after college and reality hit and the weight of both my decisions and indecisions came upon me I realized that I didn't know what I wanted to do, let alone what I was capable of doing.  Thankfulness for the opportunity to have education, to have the awesome experiences of college, making new friends, traveling the world, just having the freedom to live life with purpose... those thoughts come to mind when I think back to my college days (which I secretly think are not over).  Yet what does one do with an education centered on Bible and Theatre.  

Well what I am doing right now is selling cars... I am a car salesman... a sales professional skilled in the art of lining people up with their wants, needs, and helping them find the perfect car, truck, or suv.  Although I am supremely thankful for a job... and I believe that I am competent in sales and try my best... there is something unsettling in my heart because I am a car salesman and not a theatre professional or somehow serving in the church.  I know that there are many people with jobs that have nothing to do with what they studied... I just thought I could avoid being one of them... and just because I am not serving in a church or constantly onstage doesn't mean I am not an artist or an ardent follower of Christ.  It just means I am selling cars... and ironically not actively pursuing anything else.

I have settled for semi-security because I am broken, hurting, and lacking the confidence in what I studied so hard to become.  It is so petty to even write about these thoughts.  Like I am some special case that deserves to be noticed... but it doesn't really leave me...  

I am bored... I am restless, I have anxiety... and I want release...

Release from the confines of my own lack of confidence... released from the habits that waste so much time and do not contribute to effectual change... release from the reality that I am not where I thought and dreamed I would be... released from my own rebellion against God... released from my pride in thinking that I can do life by myself and somehow do it better than everyone else...

Where does this release come from... 

It comes from the most difficult and ironically the easiest source... from God... from Jesus... 

Ok... some who might understand my thoughts might be thinking... how does one find release in Jesus?   I really don't know... or maybe I do but I believe it is too hard or it would cost too much... 

Release comes from a relinquishing of control and giving God all the power (which He had all along).  It is rather more of a realization that God is love and God is Sovereign... and His Sovereignty cannot and will not be challenged.  

When we allow God to have full claim and sovereignty in our lives then and only then can our created purpose be fulfilled... until that time we are.... well... restless... full of anxiety... and/or bored (sometimes even numb)...

So here I am... a restless man trying to learn how to become broken and release my control of life to God... 

Join me... not in my restlessness... but in complete release to Jesus... I don't know what that would look like for you... maybe it is found in prayer... or maybe it is found in obedience... forgiveness... radical giving... radical living... radical love and grace... maybe it is found in the solemn peace of Godly confidence and contentment... whatever it is... ask God for wisdom... seek after Him... and when it is revealed don't look back at your past, but pursue His path relentlessly... without compromise... 

THERE IS HOPE...