Life has yet again thrown me through a loop. I am faced with monumentally tough decisions and no real direction presents itself. I have a mess of options but none of them are appealing to me, so I take the most logical choice and have decided to work hard at that for at least the next couple of months.
For those who read my blog (all four of you) I am often vague on the specifics of life... well today is another day... Recently I was removed or downgraded in my estimation from an MFA in Acting degree to a M.A. in Theatre Studies degree. Now that may seem trivial to most, but to me it was devastating. What's even more devastating is that it wasn't because of normal reasons... a.k.a. academic (poor grades)... or disruptive behavior (lighting the school on fire)... or even budget cuts... It was because I couldn't emote or more precisely because I had so much anxiety that when I emoted I didn't emote in ways that seemed normal to others or I couldn't connect with "the other" (an acting term) in my scenes in ways that were appropriate to my instructors.
So I was given the metaphorical heave ho from the degree but with a soft pillow landing into the M.A. in Theatre Studies. This presented a complicated issue for me. For those who know me acting and performing... the sheer thrill of creating something new and powerful has been a deep passion for me. Also for those who know me, I studied Biblical Studies first, then Theatre, then went on to an MFA... now I am in an M.A. degree and in some ways loathing it and in others I am just anxious to finish so I can forget the whole ordeal and move on in life. The point being is that sometimes I feel that the things I have studied Bible and Theatre are the things that I am not good at... or at least not good enough at to make a solid living with. It's as if God decided to give me weird abstract talents and skills that don't line up together and do not give me any hope of living a fulfilled life. Imagine a ping pong player who knows how to serve a ball like it was nobodies business yet couldn't return it if his life depended on it... that's me...
This may look like a faithless attitude... but it's a real attitude... it's real emotions... it's the real deal, nothing fake about the feelings. One might say that I am carrying this situation to the extreme and that I should just focus on the positives and move on. Yes, I agree in some ways... yes, I'm not dying, yes I have a loving family and girlfriend, yes I have supportive friends, and yes I live in country with many freedoms and opportunities... and most of all yes I have a loving caring God... These are all true, they are all real, and they are all great parts of my life... yet it doesn't change how I feel and how in my experience that I continue to fail over and over again...
Does anyone else cringe at hearing the platitudes of those who are trying to comfort others... Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't... To hear things like "it's all in God's plans" or "Everything will be alright" or even "We are here for you." These sayings are good and bad, real and sometimes fake. It's as if humanity has lost the capability of being genuine while at the same time deciding that the new genuine should be accompanied with these platitudes...
I desperately desire something concrete, something tangible, something with clarity... not just a bunch of whimsical button phrases that are supposed to make me feel better... they don't make me feel better they just remind me how I don't feel... I don't feel anything when people say them to me, yet I offend others when I don't acknowledge their effort and I try to remain in good spirits when they speak to me and when I speak to them... Sometimes it feels like my life is a facade of good intentions and feelings.
So here I am... left without the talents or skills needed to do what I want to do and to be who I want to be... The Christian answer would be to give everything to Christ and do what He wants me to do... what is that? How does one do that? To love others... I tried that and it blew up in my face because when I desperately tried to make others feel and know the love I had for them they cringed and moved away from me... I wanted to give a good gift and to love them... they saw it as awkward and ran from me... OK... so me loving others scares them... I tried counseling to figure out how to love others without scaring them... it worked minimally... for some I had already burned the bridges of fellowship because they were not used to someone like me... Even in my heart of hearts I believe that there are a couple people in my MFA cohort who are happy that I was dismissed from the program... finally a relief from this awkward mass of a man... (I know this isn't true of many in my cohort).
Pause.... breathe.... this litany of complaints and emotional tirade of accusations does not get me anywhere....
So I am changing directions... (yet again)... I'm not even sure I am qualified to call myself an artist anymore... more like a man with no passion and no desire to live a mediocre life... a faithless man... a man who does not have any connection to humanity because he's so afraid of them and failing them...
What are my options:
1. Finish M.A. degree (I'm doing this)
2. Work to pay off my loans (I need a job that pays me at least $3000/month net)
3. I do not want to work in the business world, in sales, in marketing, or in the health care field
4. I want to be an artist yet I lack the capability to be an artist in traditional and even abstract definitions
5. I could start writing (some people say I have skills writing).
Caveat to number 5:
Although it is true that some think that I am a fair writer I am scared to commit to this. I loathe researching because it takes so much time... and I don't want to be a novelist because, well often my writing is so convoluted that people have trouble following it. I also have a tendency to write in difficult to follow ways... it's as if I don't make sense to many people. I write candidly in journals and in my blog, yet not many fully understand what is going on... Also anyone can write... I don't want to be just anyone I want to be someone exceptional and I am willing to work harder than ever to be this person...
Back to the list:
6. I don't want a boring job
7. I am not an organizational leader nor do I have the talents of gathering together people to create a movement or ministry
8. I am not emotionally available enough to be an actor
9. I have a huge amount of psychological difficulties that prohibit further growth in some areas of my life and the lack of funds to address these difficulties in further counseling
10. To just live life without any expectations and worries trusting that everything will work out alright and being content with the mediocrity that seems to plague every move I make.
11. I could teach theatre in a high school (I have absolutely no desire to do this whatsoever)...
So this is a question for my very small amount of readers... (all two of you possibly)...
What do you think I should do? Do you think I should write? Do you think that my talents are in something other than Theatre and Ministry? Do you have any suggestions?
So that's my blog... it's not as insightful as usual (or at least I think that sometimes my blogs are insightful and encouraging)
So I'm changing directions... sort of... where I don't know... why, I don't know... am I developing a crippling apathy (a little)...
God is great, God is good, and God loves you (this I know to be true)... rest in His love!
"I don't want to be just anyone I want to be someone exceptional and I am willing to work harder than ever to be this person..."
ReplyDeleteI think until you realize how exceptional you already are, all the work in the world isn't going to get you where you want to go. And I think until you grasp the real definition of exceptional for your life, you will always feel less than fulfilled.
My advice: Start reading about men and women of faith through the centuries. God ALWAYS chooses to use the unexceptional, the marginalized, the awkward, and the surrendered. The story of Christianity is that a bunch of cast-away outsiders (strangers...aliens) somehow managed to change history through the Holy Spirit, not through their talent or strength or positions.
And that may sound like a platitude, but I promise, it's anything but.
Thank you for the encouragement. I don't know how or believe that I am exceptional... I think that in the church we are taught to believe that we are to serve and that Christ is exceptional. I will read some of these stories... I know some of them already... and I know that it isn't a platitude, but you understand what I mean when I say "platitudes". Thank you again for your input.
ReplyDeleteSam,
ReplyDeleteFrom the time we spent at the Oaks, and the talks we had about your acting and schooling, I can tell that you know what you want in life. You an amazing friend, and you truly do care about the friendship you have or desire to have. So many people just have friends, just to have them. But, what I saw from you is that you try quite hard to keep those friendship strong and worthwhile. When I move from california or canada, I always imagine going back into the ministry field (pastoral work), but nothing opened up. but God does work the way that comes natural to Him. Sam, I know God is going to direct you into a career (not a job) that suits you. I expect nothing less. Just keeping focus on Him, and enjoy your time in college. You will definitely miss it when you are finished.
Hi Sam,
ReplyDeleteThis is Micaela's mom in California. I am so sorry about the faculty's decision and I know you are disappointed.
Two years ago, I was laid off, along with many others, from a job I really liked, after working there for 16 years. Although, I was angry at the way the school district approached the budget cuts and terminated us via an e-mail, I also knew that God would carry me through this transition.
Well, here I am two years later, working part time and still on unemployment, but I know somethow I will be OK. God has never deserted me or abandonned me, even when I had to drain my savings account to pay my bills. I am still here!
Take care of yourself, Sam, and expect to be surprised at how it all turns out in the end. And yes, you are a good writer. How about writing a play about the life of an artist who is struggling to find his "voice" in this world?
Best Wishes,
Carol De Lauro