Holding On...

When it comes to the important things in life what do you hold on to? I mean really, when you peel away everything, all the cliché’s and the nice sayings and get down to the nitty gritty what is it that you make a priority in your life? Maybe it’s your career, or your favorite hobby or sports team, maybe it’s even more than that… Maybe your favorite pet, or even your family? Is God the one you are holding on to? Is He your #1 priority?

I know that I struggle with this all the time. I say in my head and out loud that God is my #1 priority, but in reality He is often put on the top shelf of my life, sort of like a distant memory or toy I like to get out every once in a while. So when do the “words” become “faith actions?” Our relationship with God is sometimes very easy to neglect. Maybe it is easier to live life a little less like Christ and a little more like a selfish child. I mean really, who doesn’t like to have their cake and eat it too? The reality is that sometimes sin is pleasurable at the moment, why do you think it is so alluring to so many people that they sometimes are trapped in sin for decades… for whole lifetimes…

In James 3 God brings up the perspective of a person with selfish ambition. Let’s look at these words for a moment or two… “Selfish”… that is easy… or is it… it means to be “concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure” combine that with “Ambition” which means “a strong desire to do or achieve something, typically requiring determination and hard work” So there are people out there who are working very hard at attaining personal profit, pleasures, dreams, desires, happiness, lust, sin… They are holding on with an iron fist to their selfish dreams… to their selfish desires… even now as I write this blog I am thinking, “am I writing because I want to help others and to explore life or am I writing for recognition for people to say to me ‘great blog Sam’” This reality scares me a little…

So yes, sometimes I’m scared that I am making the wrong moves in my life… maybe I am holding onto the things that enable my own sins and struggles. Yet I cannot let this fear rule my life… paralyzing me from going forward or even making healthy choices (even the small ones). The Bible says that we should fear the one who can destroy us eternally… we should have a righteous fear of God. The beginning of wisdom is the fear of God. So take the risk to let go of sins… even if you can only muster deciding not to sin once… make it the first step of many. Let the righteous fear of God give you wisdom and help during your times of need.

Holding onto the temporal things… without a clear and defined dependency and iron like grip on God will never really satisfy you. It might bring about temporary happiness and goodness… but the real joy found in Christ is only found in Him and through Him. This joy, the love and forgiveness, the peace, patience, self control, God’s kindness is the real “needs” that God promises to provide. Hold on to Christ, let go of everything else… the important God given life giving things that God promised like I mentioned above will be the result… maybe it won’t be apparent at the beginning… but have faith and trust in God…

Blessings, Hold onto God... He will never let you down in what you "really" need...

Sam

Shattered...

Have you ever gotten in a rip roarin' pulling no punches, all or nothing fight with God? I'm talking about a time when you were angry and really just started spewing lies about yourself, about others, about God, and twisting how God "is treating" you at the moment and the truth of how He genuinely loves you. That has been me in an almost predictable cyclical pattern in my life for the last few years. Everything will be going great... I will be working hard and trying to propel forward life and also trying to serve God and others and then... WHAM... something either real, emotional, or spiritual will knock me off of my feet and slam me into the proverbial ground so fast that I can't do anything to avoid the pain.

It is during this time in life that everything is shattered in the initial perspective of the situation. Following God's will isn't always the easiest thing to do and it doesn't always end with comfortable happy circumstances in this life and there is always the chance that what we thought was God's will or calling on our life really wasn't what He wanted, but more of a personal dream or desire. It's like a child wanting candy and pursuing it but God coming along and giving us the good nutritious foods that sometimes taste horrible initially but help us to grow healthily in the short and long term.

I don't think that I'm alone with what I've said above. I mean, Jacob fought in the desert with God until He was blessed... If we even look further back into the lives of Jacob and his brother Esau, even before they were born, Jacob was already chosen by God. Esau did absolutely nothing to not be chosen, but that was just how God operated. Granted Esau's descendants created the kingdom of Edom, God still blessed Esau, but his blessing for Jacob was much much different.

Have you ever felt like an Esau... like you were in a situation outside of your control and someone else was being chosen over you, or someone else had better opportunities and was used by God. Ever since the beginning of time people have struggled with this kind of situation. Consider Cain and Able... Able's sacrifice was accepted... Cain's wasn't. Cain probably worked very hard to prepare a sacrifice to God... but it was his heart... how he sacrificed to God that was different than his brother. This kind of gut feeling of first inadequacy or misplaced, wrongly motivated effort has the power to breed sin. For Cain his anger and feeling of not being accepted by God fueled murder... the first murder...

The thing is when we serve God and go through rough times... even semi rough times, heck if we accidently trip and fall and start trying to blame anything and anyone other than ourselves we are not recognizing that as Christ followers we no longer live our own lives... we live for Christ... (Not as Christ, but His death gave us new life, this life is not our own but His life, we live for Jesus)...

So sometimes I feel shattered... up against a physical, mental, spiritual wall with no escape but to admit my brokenness and my own pride and rebellion against God and fall at His merciful, grace-filled loving feet and worship the fresh dream giver... God saved us from ourselves and sin... He certainly has the power to pick up our shattered lives, dreams, goals, desires... and form us into new and better dreams.

So I'm shattered... but I'm excited to see how God is going to put me back together again... after all, sometimes the best masterpieces come from ordinary things and people...

Blessings...

Who's in control...

Control: the power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events...

Have you ever wanted to have complete control over everything in your life? Do you not like surprises and want everything to be lined up in an organized way. How about do you want to be prepared for everything in life and knowing that everything will work for your favor. To put it pointedly... have you ever wanted unquestionable control of your life or others?

I have lived a great deal of my life wanting to remain in control of a lot of things in life. I used constraint to control my emotions. I have tried to control my future by pursuing educational opportunities and paths that I thought would be the most fun and prestigious for me. I have wanted control over situations in the work place because I had the opinion that my way was the best. I have done a great deal of things that could be seen as horrible in order to keep control to stay on top of things and to attempt to be someone who had the power.

I would "allow" God to have control over my life as long as I had the option or veto power that I occasionally used. That's not really giving control is it? I was rebellious and wanted to control everything so that I didn't have to deal with uncertainty and hurtful parts of life.

Not any more...

I am currently in a season of powerlessness... of no control... of complete dependence on God... I may not like it at times... I am certainly not used to it and I especially hate depending on others for things because sometimes I think that they would let me down and not do things right. But I am discovering more and more that life is all about people and that life is meant to be lived communally, not everyone for themselves and selfishly concerned for yourself.

It's like learning how to walk and talk all over again. Everything is in slow motion and everything is in small words... Pride is forced to fall, certainty has gone out the window, shame and pain is slowly... sometimes very slowly being conquered... fear is losing it's grip on parts of my life... and God is replacing previous strongholds with citadels of faith and trust.

It's a slow process and one that is not being completed by myself... I have caring family and friends and a God that doesn't let go... even when I think that He is silent and when I neglect my relationship with Him...

Do you know that God never neglects His relationship with you... He is always there for you even when you are running from Him or when you are static in your faith. Jesus doesn't release you from salvation because you neglect Him... He came to seek out and save the lost... to comfort the hurting...

Christ has always been in control and always will be. God has established His throne forever and His sovereignty is unquestionable... So the question is not really "Who is in control" but more of a recognition that God is in control and gives us the ability to make free choices in our life.

For me... God is in control and I pray, hope, believe, will fight for and trust that He will always remain in control... even when I lapse into my old past habits of controlling...

Who's in control in your life?

Blessings,

Sam

Finding Absolution..

This is just a few thoughts that have been rumbling through my head recently.

Does anyone ever not feel forgiven from their sins? I mean is there such a thing as "feeling" forgiven or is it more of a matter of unconditional faith. Sometimes I don't feel forgiven, but I "think" I'm forgiven, I "say" I believe I'm forgiven and I attempt to "do" the faith practices that often times the forgiven follow, but to "feel" forgiven? There must be more than feeling...

This promise of perfect absolution from the consequences of sin... to be forgiven.... I believe must be more than a feeling... it is something much deeper. It is a reunification with the creator of the universe and an accepting of guilt and trusting that through Christ' sacrifice you have been forgiven from sin... it is a complete surrender to Christ and a recognition that He is the Lord of all that you are...

The feeling of forgiveness is never specifically promised (I think, please correct me if I'm wrong). What is promised is forgiveness from sins from those who confess that they have sinned and believe (really genuinely believe) that Christ is Lord, their Lord and only sovereign power over them. This is a love promise. A promise to love and protect you just like a husband to a wife and a father to a child. As followers of Christ we are called "children of God" and we are also called collectively "the bride of Christ." Those are powerful positions of closeness to God.

I am not married nor do I have any children, but for those of you who are married and/or have children I am taking a leap of faith that you would do almost anything to protect them from harm and to nurture them toward living healthy lifestyles that engender genuine love and care for others. That is the sort of forgiveness that Christ offers. It is a forgiveness that represents one life given freely to be killed in order to save another. This act has been made famous in movies, literature, legends, stories, etc. To die for someone is considered to be an act of selflessness.

All of this I believe to be true but sometimes I don't act like it is true. I wallow if fear, worry, or anger... thinking that I am lost and not knowing what to do. Sometimes I walk with utter confidence and peace knowing that God has forgiven me and is guiding me whether I know it or not. Often times it's a mixture of both doubt and faith. That is normal but is it ideal?

Finding your absolution... the only absolution in Christ sometimes is a journey but it is always always always there for you... Christ is always ready to forgive and never ceases to love you, no matter what you have done or will do or want to do.

I am forgiven... sometimes my own choices and sins keep me from feeling forgiven, but in the end I rediscover my forgiveness when I run back to Christ... He never lets you go... How do you find forgiveness... where does your absolution lie?

Blessings,

Sam

Dependable...

Dependable... adjective, meaning trustworthy and reliable...

I serve the God who is trustworthy and reliable... even when I am not. Have you ever made choices or said things that later you cringe or tremble when you think about them... Careless words or actions that cut to the core of even your staunches beliefs... I have been a few situations that I would love to change and take back, I've said and done things have compromised who I am as a person but the reality is that everyone makes mistakes and everyone breaks down... everyone, that is, except God...

This isn't to say that I am putting God on the same level as humanity... but as a Christian and a follower of Christ I can rest assured that even in the midst of the blackest mire and muck that I could ever think up or get myself into God is there and He doesn't turn away from us. He is the strong arm ready to pick us up and the gentle soother of our souls when we work through our own struggles and trials.

There is a sense of justice and discipline in the nature of God... He disciplined the Israelites when they sinned against Him... consider when Israel rebelled against God several time throughout the Bible and God let them go into the hands of their enemies... suffer pestilence, drought, and famine... but as soon as they threw down their idols and turned back to Him, forgiveness, grace, and mercy were there... He is a dependable God...

Mercy and Grace... wow these two concepts are very hard to accept sometimes... consider that we live in a society where everything is completely self focused and increasingly becoming more and more hedonistic. For me I struggle with not accepting God's grace and mercy because I think that I can do it all by myself... but in reality I am left empty and deeply wanting. Grace and mercy are often paired together in the Christian world but sometimes the nature of these attributes of God are separated from His love. What I mean is that Grace and Mercy without of love would be empty. So for people like myself who sometimes begrudgingly accept the grace and mercy of God must first grapple with the reality that God loves us... I say grapple or struggle because Love... real love... especially for those who have a distorted understanding of love is sometimes hard to accept. It's like an abused dog that is picked up by a loving family at the pound. The dog at first doesn't understand the love he is receiving from the family... all that he has known is hardship, mistreatment, or abandonment... possibly even abuse. The family nurtures the dog into accepting love, but this takes time.

Accepting God's love sometimes takes time, but God's love, mercy, grace, and forgiveness never diminish or leave... He sticks around... He is dependable... even in the midst of our own terrible choices and mistakes... our sins...

Let us seek after God's love, mercy, grace, and forgiveness... I pray that I will grow more confident in my acceptance of God's love, mercy, grace, and forgiveness as I seek after Him... I pray that I will be dependable just like Christ continues to be dependable. Life sometimes doesn't progress the ways we want it to... sometimes dreams are crushed in order to cultivate our lives for something more profound.

Jesus... please be my rock in all times and in all seasons... please be a sure foothold when I am unsteady in my faith or make the wrong choices... please breakdown my pride and please partner with me as I throw down my idols. Remove the high places of my heart and take your place on the throne in my heart. Make me compassionate as you are and dependable in all ways. Please make me open and willing to serve You unwaveringly and please support me when I fall. God you alone deserve all praise and honor and glory...

I serve the dependable God... He is dependable to you even when you don't believe it or believe in Him...

Blessings...

It's all about people...

I know it might be naive of me to think that I have any sage like wisdom to pass on to others... I am nearly 26 years old and I have a lot of life to live... But in retrospect I believe that I've lived a lot of life in those 25 years... So what I have learned and what I hope to keep on applying is that other than keeping God in control of your life and serving Him with everything you have and are... life is all about people.

Achievements... school, education, traveling, eating, working, breathing... everything centers around people. What I have found out is that I continually miss applying this truth to my everyday life. I get involved in my classes, assignments, job, movies, television, books, the mundane and normal responsible tasks of life and I ignore people. Ask yourself this question... When was the last time you called your mom or dad or when did you last have a real genuine deep conversation with someone? For me my answers would be I talked with my mom and dad about three days ago and I had a good conversation with someone last Friday. Ok now that might make me look like I'm doing awesome... but in reality I have spent 2 or 3 weeks not calling my parents before and I have actually lived life not really communing with people beyond the surface conversations for weeks as well.

So where does the disconnect happen? Are we really afraid of relationships? Am I really afraid of close relationships? It's breaking the ice and not caring what people think that will open doors to new relationships, to new experiences, to new avenues of life that would previously be closed. Have you ever been to a new place and were taken back at how wonderful or awful it was and never knew that something like this could actually exist. It's like going on a missions trip and seeing poverty first hand or stepping off the train near the center of L.A. and seeing the entropy of society at its' core.

People... rich people, poor people, beautiful and ugly the marginalized and those with every opportunity available, those who would label themselves normal or above average, Christians, atheist, and everyone else of all faiths... every race and nationality... boil everyone down into one group... those who breath... who have a pulse, who exist... even those who are yet to be born... everyone is important... everyone is beautiful... everyone is loved by God and everyone should be loved by you (generic you).

I have been in seasons where the most important person in the world was "me." That is when sin creeps in and takes root... when God is out of the picture or at least on the sidelines... sin and lies have the opportunity to take root and really mess things up...

This doesn't mean that I am always this way, but it does mean that I have to be careful to avoid these seasons or these trains of thought...

Back to my point... people... the living breathing kind... are so very important...

Jesus came to save people... not just the special spiritual kind of people... all people...

God has no discrimination of who you are, how much money you have, what you look like... God only cares about the heart... and loves everyone... even those who hate Him and hate others...

In Acts 1o:34b-35 Peter learns that "God is not one to show partiality but in every nation the man who fears Him and does what is right is welcome to Him." (NASB)

So there it is... people are important... love them... all of them...

Blessings,

Sam

When it's never enough...

After my previous revealing blog I thought that I should follow it up with something that I have been thinking about and churning in my heart. So here it goes...

Have you ever been around a child or seen examples of people living a life where they think that everything around them family, friends, job, future is never enough? Where the grass is always greener and people always seem to have it all together except you or live lives that you would do almost anything to have. Or even have you ever wanted to change something about yourself so that your life was easier? I admit that sometimes I indulge in these feelings. Sometimes it is comfortable to be a victim... just like the little child who gets hurt and then waits to see his mother before he cries... he knows that when someone is there to hear him that he will be probably be coddled...

This victim mentality is dangerous. It is addictive and habit forming. How many people in the world walk around with a limp and destroy their lives because some kind of injustice (perceived or real) has been done to them instead of just picking up their lives and moving on with the expectation of hope, love, joy, and for those who believe in Jesus a future with Him as His servant. Think about all of the entitlement programs that are out there and the people who abuse them... (This is not a jab at entitlement programs but a statement of fact that there are an unknown number of people who abuse them).

Imagine if some of the most influential people in history just gave up because they thought that they weren't "enough" or that they didn't have "enough" or because they were the "have not's" Consider the most popular examples of Abraham Lincoln, Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison... what about your neighbor down the street or the rookie police officer who keeps on making mistakes on the job or even the mothers who are going through the school for hard knocks with their children?

The fact is that people are resilient if they would just try... world change happens to the people who keeps on dusting themselves off and keep at it over and over and over again.

Yet sometimes we need to know how and when to stop and to change tactics, directions, dreams...

It's like the in the Meisner Acting Technique... you can approach a person and attempt to get what you want but when that person isn't budging emotionally or is putting up a wall emotionally you must change your tactics... it's either change or you end up going no where and the acting scene looks fake and surreal...

Sometimes I wish I could really take my own advice that I give in my blogs. To really embrace it and just plainly apply it to my life and love others unconditionally. Have you ever given advice to someone that you know to be sound and true yet you don't do it yourself. It's like preaching a sermon and going out and living life that is contrary to what you just taught.... It makes you a fake, some could a traitor... but a traitor to yourself to your soul...

So I am in a season where I don't feel like I have enough and their is a burning passionate zealous hole that was previously filled by my ambition to succeed and do exceptionally well in an MFA in Acting program... That program and the knowledge and doors it opened represented to me or at least in my perception an opportunity to lay claim to something that is difficult, that many do not succeed in, and that is very very very hard to be apart of. It was almost like an exclusive club of the elites in acting... I even wanted to embrace the program with real organic humility... I entered into the program believing that I wasn't good enough to be in it... I kept this mentality through my year of studies and was sometimes paralyzed by fear that I would fail... and when I finally did fail it crushed my heart, my dreams, and left me wounded...

PRIDE and JEALOUSLY were the by products of this poisonous point of view in my year as an MFA in acting candidate... although it was mingled with a sincere desire to deeply love people and to serve them and God fully.

Can that even be possible? To mix contrary emotional states?

I have reviewed over and over again my year in the program and even went to far as to say to some people that I would have paid double the full tuition of the school to keep on going in the program and would have worked harder and longer than I ever did in the first year even if the faculty thought it would be to my detriment to continue in the program... that was how strong my resolve was... it wasn't about the money... it wasn't about the difficulty of the work... and I fully believe that I would have improved exponentially if I was given the chance, if I was given more time... I wanted it... I desired to succeed... my success and the status of being an MFA trained artist was (and still is) so attractive to me...

The above statement is full of some poisonous words and extreme pride... I recognize it and I know it is wrong to even think it or embrace this toxic idea, it still is a natural organic real response.

But even if I was given another chance... given an opportunity to finish the program would it be enough for me? Would I run off and try to achieve something else that would fill the burning hole in my heart?

I... must... run... after... Christ...

Christ is my "enough" even though sometimes I don't feel it in my heart. Has anyone else struggled to actually realize the love of God and really feel it deep inside them? I know that God is more than a feeling but I believe that God knows that humanity needs to connect emotionally with their Creator and loving Father and that He will open up His heart of love to us. Consider Jesus embracing children in the Bible and weeping over the death of Lazarus...

So I am on a journey... (again) without any clear direction for the future (again) in a place with no stability and structure (again)

BUT... Jesus is my rock... I want Him to be the rock and foundation in my life... I've tried very hard to accept that and keep that a constant reality in my life... to embrace true humility and run after Him with a devoted servants heart for others...

I'm not perfect... I'm not even pretty good... I'm just broken and I am desperate for restoration but I want it quickly and painlessly... which is probably not going to happen.

If anything substantial is going to happen in the life I have been given to serve God and others I must address the issues that keep me from succeeding and destroy them... drive them to the ground... and lift the burden and yoke off of my soul and live free in the hope, joy, love, and peace of Christ.

Jesus is my "enough" who is your "enough"?

Blessings,

Sam

Changing Directions.... sort of...

Again it's been a while since I've posted anything on my blog... I attribute that to busyness in school and my lack of enthusiasm to write anything because of the many things I was already writing, but with school finished for a few weeks and a few hours to kill with whatever floats my boat I decided to stretch out my blogger muscles (do these actually exist?).

Life has yet again thrown me through a loop. I am faced with monumentally tough decisions and no real direction presents itself. I have a mess of options but none of them are appealing to me, so I take the most logical choice and have decided to work hard at that for at least the next couple of months.

For those who read my blog (all four of you) I am often vague on the specifics of life... well today is another day... Recently I was removed or downgraded in my estimation from an MFA in Acting degree to a M.A. in Theatre Studies degree. Now that may seem trivial to most, but to me it was devastating. What's even more devastating is that it wasn't because of normal reasons... a.k.a. academic (poor grades)... or disruptive behavior (lighting the school on fire)... or even budget cuts... It was because I couldn't emote or more precisely because I had so much anxiety that when I emoted I didn't emote in ways that seemed normal to others or I couldn't connect with "the other" (an acting term) in my scenes in ways that were appropriate to my instructors.

So I was given the metaphorical heave ho from the degree but with a soft pillow landing into the M.A. in Theatre Studies. This presented a complicated issue for me. For those who know me acting and performing... the sheer thrill of creating something new and powerful has been a deep passion for me. Also for those who know me, I studied Biblical Studies first, then Theatre, then went on to an MFA... now I am in an M.A. degree and in some ways loathing it and in others I am just anxious to finish so I can forget the whole ordeal and move on in life. The point being is that sometimes I feel that the things I have studied Bible and Theatre are the things that I am not good at... or at least not good enough at to make a solid living with. It's as if God decided to give me weird abstract talents and skills that don't line up together and do not give me any hope of living a fulfilled life. Imagine a ping pong player who knows how to serve a ball like it was nobodies business yet couldn't return it if his life depended on it... that's me...

This may look like a faithless attitude... but it's a real attitude... it's real emotions... it's the real deal, nothing fake about the feelings. One might say that I am carrying this situation to the extreme and that I should just focus on the positives and move on. Yes, I agree in some ways... yes, I'm not dying, yes I have a loving family and girlfriend, yes I have supportive friends, and yes I live in country with many freedoms and opportunities... and most of all yes I have a loving caring God... These are all true, they are all real, and they are all great parts of my life... yet it doesn't change how I feel and how in my experience that I continue to fail over and over again...

Does anyone else cringe at hearing the platitudes of those who are trying to comfort others... Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't... To hear things like "it's all in God's plans" or "Everything will be alright" or even "We are here for you." These sayings are good and bad, real and sometimes fake. It's as if humanity has lost the capability of being genuine while at the same time deciding that the new genuine should be accompanied with these platitudes...

I desperately desire something concrete, something tangible, something with clarity... not just a bunch of whimsical button phrases that are supposed to make me feel better... they don't make me feel better they just remind me how I don't feel... I don't feel anything when people say them to me, yet I offend others when I don't acknowledge their effort and I try to remain in good spirits when they speak to me and when I speak to them... Sometimes it feels like my life is a facade of good intentions and feelings.

So here I am... left without the talents or skills needed to do what I want to do and to be who I want to be... The Christian answer would be to give everything to Christ and do what He wants me to do... what is that? How does one do that? To love others... I tried that and it blew up in my face because when I desperately tried to make others feel and know the love I had for them they cringed and moved away from me... I wanted to give a good gift and to love them... they saw it as awkward and ran from me... OK... so me loving others scares them... I tried counseling to figure out how to love others without scaring them... it worked minimally... for some I had already burned the bridges of fellowship because they were not used to someone like me... Even in my heart of hearts I believe that there are a couple people in my MFA cohort who are happy that I was dismissed from the program... finally a relief from this awkward mass of a man... (I know this isn't true of many in my cohort).

Pause.... breathe.... this litany of complaints and emotional tirade of accusations does not get me anywhere....

So I am changing directions... (yet again)... I'm not even sure I am qualified to call myself an artist anymore... more like a man with no passion and no desire to live a mediocre life... a faithless man... a man who does not have any connection to humanity because he's so afraid of them and failing them...

What are my options:

1. Finish M.A. degree (I'm doing this)

2. Work to pay off my loans (I need a job that pays me at least $3000/month net)

3. I do not want to work in the business world, in sales, in marketing, or in the health care field

4. I want to be an artist yet I lack the capability to be an artist in traditional and even abstract definitions

5. I could start writing (some people say I have skills writing).

Caveat to number 5:

Although it is true that some think that I am a fair writer I am scared to commit to this. I loathe researching because it takes so much time... and I don't want to be a novelist because, well often my writing is so convoluted that people have trouble following it. I also have a tendency to write in difficult to follow ways... it's as if I don't make sense to many people. I write candidly in journals and in my blog, yet not many fully understand what is going on... Also anyone can write... I don't want to be just anyone I want to be someone exceptional and I am willing to work harder than ever to be this person...

Back to the list:

6. I don't want a boring job

7. I am not an organizational leader nor do I have the talents of gathering together people to create a movement or ministry

8. I am not emotionally available enough to be an actor

9. I have a huge amount of psychological difficulties that prohibit further growth in some areas of my life and the lack of funds to address these difficulties in further counseling

10. To just live life without any expectations and worries trusting that everything will work out alright and being content with the mediocrity that seems to plague every move I make.

11. I could teach theatre in a high school (I have absolutely no desire to do this whatsoever)...

So this is a question for my very small amount of readers... (all two of you possibly)...

What do you think I should do? Do you think I should write? Do you think that my talents are in something other than Theatre and Ministry? Do you have any suggestions?

So that's my blog... it's not as insightful as usual (or at least I think that sometimes my blogs are insightful and encouraging)

So I'm changing directions... sort of... where I don't know... why, I don't know... am I developing a crippling apathy (a little)...

God is great, God is good, and God loves you (this I know to be true)... rest in His love!