How Strong are your dreams....

Do you know that feeling when your insides are twisted with doubt, anger, jealously, fear, and paralyzing disappointment.  It is a wrestling churning nearly primal conflict in my heart, mind, and soul.    It is the sort of feeling that compels you to write sad songs or to sit staring at the world wondering when you are allowed to step up and take your place as a part of something beautiful... maybe it's a chronic symptom of my generation and it's unrealistic expectation to be something or someone great... We wake up and we set ourselves toward the task of working at our jobs... doing our work yet at times feeling empty inside... like working toward something that doesn't have a lasting influence in the world... 

That is what I feel like almost everyday I wake up and trudge forward, one step at a time... 

Yet there is Joy... genuine joy intermingled with the shame, depression, and lethargic trudging forward in life... 

Joy in people, in relationships, in the love that echoes past my insecurities and sadness.  

Listening to great music, having great conversations, succeeding at work (even the jobs you don't like)... recognizing how much God loves you and how much others love you... it is in escapable... it's as close to you as your skin... 

So here I am a joyful mess that is nearly bipolar one moment feeling awesome the next fully embroiled comparing my life to others and becoming depressed... 

It's like trying to eat healthy and establish healthy exercise and eating habits... I know the things I ought to do and those things I ought to avoid... yet there is a sort of sweet tender pull toward unhealthy thoughts... to some they offer a comfort that leads down a road of untold and limitless self esteem issues and depression... 

So like a disciplined athlete... there must be a clear understanding where unhealthy choices come from and what causes those choices to take hold in our lives...  

For me, one of my most favorite unhealthy choices is to chase after the dreams of others and to seek to be someone I am not... 

I see all of the great things that others are doing and then I compare to my life... and presto instant depression... I feel that if I was that person... or if I could just work hard enough I could become a talented artist... 

I could learn how to act, but only those who are endowed with a God given gift and natural skills to really act truthfully in imaginary circumstances really catch it....   don't get me wrong I've been able to capture this beautiful moment of untainted powerful acting... but it was few and far between... I've seen others able to become and create awesome works of art almost instinctually (they do study and work hard of course)

I had a life of adopting the dreams of others because I've lacked a real sense of my own identity and my own dreams... and I just don't like who I am in the mirror... the man I am and skills I have I loathe... they aren't good enough for me... I want more...

So my dreams are strong... they just aren't my dreams... they are the dreams of a manufactured and well planned future that blew up on me two years ago and I have been working desperately to climb out of the emotional, financial, spiritually deprived hole that I dug year by year under a false pretense of success and an intense desire to prove myself and to be someone of significance... 

I have recently just revived a search to seek out my own passions, dreams, and gifts... so I could start new... only this time with a clarity of purpose... all the while quietly and prayerfully listening to the heart of God... seeking out His path...  

Right now I am chained to debt and I have a job that is helping me break the chains one by one... but I don't like what I do....

I have a wonderful family that I wish I could have a better relationship with... to connect with them in vibrant life giving ways...

I have a most amazing awesome girlfriend who is one of the greatest gifts God has ever given me... so much could be said about who she is and how much joy she continues to bring to my life and many others...

Above all I have a God who loves me unconditionally... even when I seek after my own glory sometimes....    maybe it is good that we sometimes worship on our knees and face... because that is often the posture that often feels appropriate when I come back to Him after a season of self focused tunnel vision toward the distracting unimportant desires of a human carnal flesh... wanting fame, power, success, pride, lust, unworthy words and accolades...  

So here I am... chasing after the strong dreams of others... 

... where is my dream... how can I find it... where do I fit in... how can I realize that it is not about me... and how can I make that a reality in my day to day life... 

Maybe you've felt the same as me... maybe not... maybe this is just a rant of senseless banter written late at night... but for me... right now it makes sense...  

Today I choose to seek after God... be healthy in as many ways as possible, be disciplined to do well in the roles I have... and become a better man than I ever thought possible...   

Be love... help me to love you more...