When it's never enough...

After my previous revealing blog I thought that I should follow it up with something that I have been thinking about and churning in my heart. So here it goes...

Have you ever been around a child or seen examples of people living a life where they think that everything around them family, friends, job, future is never enough? Where the grass is always greener and people always seem to have it all together except you or live lives that you would do almost anything to have. Or even have you ever wanted to change something about yourself so that your life was easier? I admit that sometimes I indulge in these feelings. Sometimes it is comfortable to be a victim... just like the little child who gets hurt and then waits to see his mother before he cries... he knows that when someone is there to hear him that he will be probably be coddled...

This victim mentality is dangerous. It is addictive and habit forming. How many people in the world walk around with a limp and destroy their lives because some kind of injustice (perceived or real) has been done to them instead of just picking up their lives and moving on with the expectation of hope, love, joy, and for those who believe in Jesus a future with Him as His servant. Think about all of the entitlement programs that are out there and the people who abuse them... (This is not a jab at entitlement programs but a statement of fact that there are an unknown number of people who abuse them).

Imagine if some of the most influential people in history just gave up because they thought that they weren't "enough" or that they didn't have "enough" or because they were the "have not's" Consider the most popular examples of Abraham Lincoln, Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison... what about your neighbor down the street or the rookie police officer who keeps on making mistakes on the job or even the mothers who are going through the school for hard knocks with their children?

The fact is that people are resilient if they would just try... world change happens to the people who keeps on dusting themselves off and keep at it over and over and over again.

Yet sometimes we need to know how and when to stop and to change tactics, directions, dreams...

It's like the in the Meisner Acting Technique... you can approach a person and attempt to get what you want but when that person isn't budging emotionally or is putting up a wall emotionally you must change your tactics... it's either change or you end up going no where and the acting scene looks fake and surreal...

Sometimes I wish I could really take my own advice that I give in my blogs. To really embrace it and just plainly apply it to my life and love others unconditionally. Have you ever given advice to someone that you know to be sound and true yet you don't do it yourself. It's like preaching a sermon and going out and living life that is contrary to what you just taught.... It makes you a fake, some could a traitor... but a traitor to yourself to your soul...

So I am in a season where I don't feel like I have enough and their is a burning passionate zealous hole that was previously filled by my ambition to succeed and do exceptionally well in an MFA in Acting program... That program and the knowledge and doors it opened represented to me or at least in my perception an opportunity to lay claim to something that is difficult, that many do not succeed in, and that is very very very hard to be apart of. It was almost like an exclusive club of the elites in acting... I even wanted to embrace the program with real organic humility... I entered into the program believing that I wasn't good enough to be in it... I kept this mentality through my year of studies and was sometimes paralyzed by fear that I would fail... and when I finally did fail it crushed my heart, my dreams, and left me wounded...

PRIDE and JEALOUSLY were the by products of this poisonous point of view in my year as an MFA in acting candidate... although it was mingled with a sincere desire to deeply love people and to serve them and God fully.

Can that even be possible? To mix contrary emotional states?

I have reviewed over and over again my year in the program and even went to far as to say to some people that I would have paid double the full tuition of the school to keep on going in the program and would have worked harder and longer than I ever did in the first year even if the faculty thought it would be to my detriment to continue in the program... that was how strong my resolve was... it wasn't about the money... it wasn't about the difficulty of the work... and I fully believe that I would have improved exponentially if I was given the chance, if I was given more time... I wanted it... I desired to succeed... my success and the status of being an MFA trained artist was (and still is) so attractive to me...

The above statement is full of some poisonous words and extreme pride... I recognize it and I know it is wrong to even think it or embrace this toxic idea, it still is a natural organic real response.

But even if I was given another chance... given an opportunity to finish the program would it be enough for me? Would I run off and try to achieve something else that would fill the burning hole in my heart?

I... must... run... after... Christ...

Christ is my "enough" even though sometimes I don't feel it in my heart. Has anyone else struggled to actually realize the love of God and really feel it deep inside them? I know that God is more than a feeling but I believe that God knows that humanity needs to connect emotionally with their Creator and loving Father and that He will open up His heart of love to us. Consider Jesus embracing children in the Bible and weeping over the death of Lazarus...

So I am on a journey... (again) without any clear direction for the future (again) in a place with no stability and structure (again)

BUT... Jesus is my rock... I want Him to be the rock and foundation in my life... I've tried very hard to accept that and keep that a constant reality in my life... to embrace true humility and run after Him with a devoted servants heart for others...

I'm not perfect... I'm not even pretty good... I'm just broken and I am desperate for restoration but I want it quickly and painlessly... which is probably not going to happen.

If anything substantial is going to happen in the life I have been given to serve God and others I must address the issues that keep me from succeeding and destroy them... drive them to the ground... and lift the burden and yoke off of my soul and live free in the hope, joy, love, and peace of Christ.

Jesus is my "enough" who is your "enough"?

Blessings,

Sam

Changing Directions.... sort of...

Again it's been a while since I've posted anything on my blog... I attribute that to busyness in school and my lack of enthusiasm to write anything because of the many things I was already writing, but with school finished for a few weeks and a few hours to kill with whatever floats my boat I decided to stretch out my blogger muscles (do these actually exist?).

Life has yet again thrown me through a loop. I am faced with monumentally tough decisions and no real direction presents itself. I have a mess of options but none of them are appealing to me, so I take the most logical choice and have decided to work hard at that for at least the next couple of months.

For those who read my blog (all four of you) I am often vague on the specifics of life... well today is another day... Recently I was removed or downgraded in my estimation from an MFA in Acting degree to a M.A. in Theatre Studies degree. Now that may seem trivial to most, but to me it was devastating. What's even more devastating is that it wasn't because of normal reasons... a.k.a. academic (poor grades)... or disruptive behavior (lighting the school on fire)... or even budget cuts... It was because I couldn't emote or more precisely because I had so much anxiety that when I emoted I didn't emote in ways that seemed normal to others or I couldn't connect with "the other" (an acting term) in my scenes in ways that were appropriate to my instructors.

So I was given the metaphorical heave ho from the degree but with a soft pillow landing into the M.A. in Theatre Studies. This presented a complicated issue for me. For those who know me acting and performing... the sheer thrill of creating something new and powerful has been a deep passion for me. Also for those who know me, I studied Biblical Studies first, then Theatre, then went on to an MFA... now I am in an M.A. degree and in some ways loathing it and in others I am just anxious to finish so I can forget the whole ordeal and move on in life. The point being is that sometimes I feel that the things I have studied Bible and Theatre are the things that I am not good at... or at least not good enough at to make a solid living with. It's as if God decided to give me weird abstract talents and skills that don't line up together and do not give me any hope of living a fulfilled life. Imagine a ping pong player who knows how to serve a ball like it was nobodies business yet couldn't return it if his life depended on it... that's me...

This may look like a faithless attitude... but it's a real attitude... it's real emotions... it's the real deal, nothing fake about the feelings. One might say that I am carrying this situation to the extreme and that I should just focus on the positives and move on. Yes, I agree in some ways... yes, I'm not dying, yes I have a loving family and girlfriend, yes I have supportive friends, and yes I live in country with many freedoms and opportunities... and most of all yes I have a loving caring God... These are all true, they are all real, and they are all great parts of my life... yet it doesn't change how I feel and how in my experience that I continue to fail over and over again...

Does anyone else cringe at hearing the platitudes of those who are trying to comfort others... Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't... To hear things like "it's all in God's plans" or "Everything will be alright" or even "We are here for you." These sayings are good and bad, real and sometimes fake. It's as if humanity has lost the capability of being genuine while at the same time deciding that the new genuine should be accompanied with these platitudes...

I desperately desire something concrete, something tangible, something with clarity... not just a bunch of whimsical button phrases that are supposed to make me feel better... they don't make me feel better they just remind me how I don't feel... I don't feel anything when people say them to me, yet I offend others when I don't acknowledge their effort and I try to remain in good spirits when they speak to me and when I speak to them... Sometimes it feels like my life is a facade of good intentions and feelings.

So here I am... left without the talents or skills needed to do what I want to do and to be who I want to be... The Christian answer would be to give everything to Christ and do what He wants me to do... what is that? How does one do that? To love others... I tried that and it blew up in my face because when I desperately tried to make others feel and know the love I had for them they cringed and moved away from me... I wanted to give a good gift and to love them... they saw it as awkward and ran from me... OK... so me loving others scares them... I tried counseling to figure out how to love others without scaring them... it worked minimally... for some I had already burned the bridges of fellowship because they were not used to someone like me... Even in my heart of hearts I believe that there are a couple people in my MFA cohort who are happy that I was dismissed from the program... finally a relief from this awkward mass of a man... (I know this isn't true of many in my cohort).

Pause.... breathe.... this litany of complaints and emotional tirade of accusations does not get me anywhere....

So I am changing directions... (yet again)... I'm not even sure I am qualified to call myself an artist anymore... more like a man with no passion and no desire to live a mediocre life... a faithless man... a man who does not have any connection to humanity because he's so afraid of them and failing them...

What are my options:

1. Finish M.A. degree (I'm doing this)

2. Work to pay off my loans (I need a job that pays me at least $3000/month net)

3. I do not want to work in the business world, in sales, in marketing, or in the health care field

4. I want to be an artist yet I lack the capability to be an artist in traditional and even abstract definitions

5. I could start writing (some people say I have skills writing).

Caveat to number 5:

Although it is true that some think that I am a fair writer I am scared to commit to this. I loathe researching because it takes so much time... and I don't want to be a novelist because, well often my writing is so convoluted that people have trouble following it. I also have a tendency to write in difficult to follow ways... it's as if I don't make sense to many people. I write candidly in journals and in my blog, yet not many fully understand what is going on... Also anyone can write... I don't want to be just anyone I want to be someone exceptional and I am willing to work harder than ever to be this person...

Back to the list:

6. I don't want a boring job

7. I am not an organizational leader nor do I have the talents of gathering together people to create a movement or ministry

8. I am not emotionally available enough to be an actor

9. I have a huge amount of psychological difficulties that prohibit further growth in some areas of my life and the lack of funds to address these difficulties in further counseling

10. To just live life without any expectations and worries trusting that everything will work out alright and being content with the mediocrity that seems to plague every move I make.

11. I could teach theatre in a high school (I have absolutely no desire to do this whatsoever)...

So this is a question for my very small amount of readers... (all two of you possibly)...

What do you think I should do? Do you think I should write? Do you think that my talents are in something other than Theatre and Ministry? Do you have any suggestions?

So that's my blog... it's not as insightful as usual (or at least I think that sometimes my blogs are insightful and encouraging)

So I'm changing directions... sort of... where I don't know... why, I don't know... am I developing a crippling apathy (a little)...

God is great, God is good, and God loves you (this I know to be true)... rest in His love!