How Strong are your dreams....

Do you know that feeling when your insides are twisted with doubt, anger, jealously, fear, and paralyzing disappointment.  It is a wrestling churning nearly primal conflict in my heart, mind, and soul.    It is the sort of feeling that compels you to write sad songs or to sit staring at the world wondering when you are allowed to step up and take your place as a part of something beautiful... maybe it's a chronic symptom of my generation and it's unrealistic expectation to be something or someone great... We wake up and we set ourselves toward the task of working at our jobs... doing our work yet at times feeling empty inside... like working toward something that doesn't have a lasting influence in the world... 

That is what I feel like almost everyday I wake up and trudge forward, one step at a time... 

Yet there is Joy... genuine joy intermingled with the shame, depression, and lethargic trudging forward in life... 

Joy in people, in relationships, in the love that echoes past my insecurities and sadness.  

Listening to great music, having great conversations, succeeding at work (even the jobs you don't like)... recognizing how much God loves you and how much others love you... it is in escapable... it's as close to you as your skin... 

So here I am a joyful mess that is nearly bipolar one moment feeling awesome the next fully embroiled comparing my life to others and becoming depressed... 

It's like trying to eat healthy and establish healthy exercise and eating habits... I know the things I ought to do and those things I ought to avoid... yet there is a sort of sweet tender pull toward unhealthy thoughts... to some they offer a comfort that leads down a road of untold and limitless self esteem issues and depression... 

So like a disciplined athlete... there must be a clear understanding where unhealthy choices come from and what causes those choices to take hold in our lives...  

For me, one of my most favorite unhealthy choices is to chase after the dreams of others and to seek to be someone I am not... 

I see all of the great things that others are doing and then I compare to my life... and presto instant depression... I feel that if I was that person... or if I could just work hard enough I could become a talented artist... 

I could learn how to act, but only those who are endowed with a God given gift and natural skills to really act truthfully in imaginary circumstances really catch it....   don't get me wrong I've been able to capture this beautiful moment of untainted powerful acting... but it was few and far between... I've seen others able to become and create awesome works of art almost instinctually (they do study and work hard of course)

I had a life of adopting the dreams of others because I've lacked a real sense of my own identity and my own dreams... and I just don't like who I am in the mirror... the man I am and skills I have I loathe... they aren't good enough for me... I want more...

So my dreams are strong... they just aren't my dreams... they are the dreams of a manufactured and well planned future that blew up on me two years ago and I have been working desperately to climb out of the emotional, financial, spiritually deprived hole that I dug year by year under a false pretense of success and an intense desire to prove myself and to be someone of significance... 

I have recently just revived a search to seek out my own passions, dreams, and gifts... so I could start new... only this time with a clarity of purpose... all the while quietly and prayerfully listening to the heart of God... seeking out His path...  

Right now I am chained to debt and I have a job that is helping me break the chains one by one... but I don't like what I do....

I have a wonderful family that I wish I could have a better relationship with... to connect with them in vibrant life giving ways...

I have a most amazing awesome girlfriend who is one of the greatest gifts God has ever given me... so much could be said about who she is and how much joy she continues to bring to my life and many others...

Above all I have a God who loves me unconditionally... even when I seek after my own glory sometimes....    maybe it is good that we sometimes worship on our knees and face... because that is often the posture that often feels appropriate when I come back to Him after a season of self focused tunnel vision toward the distracting unimportant desires of a human carnal flesh... wanting fame, power, success, pride, lust, unworthy words and accolades...  

So here I am... chasing after the strong dreams of others... 

... where is my dream... how can I find it... where do I fit in... how can I realize that it is not about me... and how can I make that a reality in my day to day life... 

Maybe you've felt the same as me... maybe not... maybe this is just a rant of senseless banter written late at night... but for me... right now it makes sense...  

Today I choose to seek after God... be healthy in as many ways as possible, be disciplined to do well in the roles I have... and become a better man than I ever thought possible...   

Be love... help me to love you more... 

Insomnia...

When I can't sleep it is often a symptom that something is bouncing around in my head.  It is like a perpetual motion machine completely independent of itself yet connected to every thought in my mind. I can't put into words what I am feeling and thinking... yet the most compelling or correct word I could use is "restless."  

"Restless" literally means an inability to rest or relax as a result of anxiety or boredom.  Wow... anxiety or boredom... those words just echo through your mind... like a vapor, yet with the weight of a freight train.  It just sits on your chest and holds you down, yet when you reach for it becomes illusive, sort of like a phantom or a apparition.  

So where is this coming from... this restlessness... this anxiety and boredom.  For me it comes from both healthy and unhealthy origins.  I believe that I have conditioned myself to rely on accomplishments and excitement to measure my importance, value, and influence in life.  For example, when I was in college studying I was moving forward, there was momentum and I was gaining knowledge, experience, and the future was unknown yet hopeful.  Yet after college and reality hit and the weight of both my decisions and indecisions came upon me I realized that I didn't know what I wanted to do, let alone what I was capable of doing.  Thankfulness for the opportunity to have education, to have the awesome experiences of college, making new friends, traveling the world, just having the freedom to live life with purpose... those thoughts come to mind when I think back to my college days (which I secretly think are not over).  Yet what does one do with an education centered on Bible and Theatre.  

Well what I am doing right now is selling cars... I am a car salesman... a sales professional skilled in the art of lining people up with their wants, needs, and helping them find the perfect car, truck, or suv.  Although I am supremely thankful for a job... and I believe that I am competent in sales and try my best... there is something unsettling in my heart because I am a car salesman and not a theatre professional or somehow serving in the church.  I know that there are many people with jobs that have nothing to do with what they studied... I just thought I could avoid being one of them... and just because I am not serving in a church or constantly onstage doesn't mean I am not an artist or an ardent follower of Christ.  It just means I am selling cars... and ironically not actively pursuing anything else.

I have settled for semi-security because I am broken, hurting, and lacking the confidence in what I studied so hard to become.  It is so petty to even write about these thoughts.  Like I am some special case that deserves to be noticed... but it doesn't really leave me...  

I am bored... I am restless, I have anxiety... and I want release...

Release from the confines of my own lack of confidence... released from the habits that waste so much time and do not contribute to effectual change... release from the reality that I am not where I thought and dreamed I would be... released from my own rebellion against God... released from my pride in thinking that I can do life by myself and somehow do it better than everyone else...

Where does this release come from... 

It comes from the most difficult and ironically the easiest source... from God... from Jesus... 

Ok... some who might understand my thoughts might be thinking... how does one find release in Jesus?   I really don't know... or maybe I do but I believe it is too hard or it would cost too much... 

Release comes from a relinquishing of control and giving God all the power (which He had all along).  It is rather more of a realization that God is love and God is Sovereign... and His Sovereignty cannot and will not be challenged.  

When we allow God to have full claim and sovereignty in our lives then and only then can our created purpose be fulfilled... until that time we are.... well... restless... full of anxiety... and/or bored (sometimes even numb)...

So here I am... a restless man trying to learn how to become broken and release my control of life to God... 

Join me... not in my restlessness... but in complete release to Jesus... I don't know what that would look like for you... maybe it is found in prayer... or maybe it is found in obedience... forgiveness... radical giving... radical living... radical love and grace... maybe it is found in the solemn peace of Godly confidence and contentment... whatever it is... ask God for wisdom... seek after Him... and when it is revealed don't look back at your past, but pursue His path relentlessly... without compromise... 

THERE IS HOPE... 

Identity of Love

Breaking the silence again I have had a thought, well many thoughts, churning in my heart for quite some time.  I probably started writing this blog a half dozen times yet today is different.  Today somehow my thoughts lined up together and became clear.  Have you ever caught yourself finding your identity in something, someone, or an idea, dream, passion?  Maybe you are a talented painter and you are known to your friends as Max the Painter or Zoey the Graphic Artist.  Maybe you are Kevin the Family Man or Sean the Wild Spirit.  Whatever you find your identity in, be it in your talents, dreams, passions, desires, addictions, paradigms, even your ethnicity or sexual orientation, whatever it is have you ever just took a step back, blinked and evaluated your motives or choices?  I have... a lot... so much that often I confuse myself and want my identity to be so many things at once.  Sometimes I want to be Sam the Actor, Sam the Musician, Sam the Writer, or Sam the Uber Artist Extraordinaire, even Sam the Invisible.  There are times my identity really isn't known to me, or it is informed by others and their opinions.  This flux or flexibility of my identity has really left me in a state of confusion for a lot of my life.  It even makes me wonder whether this lack of self realization has really been the driving force for a lot of my failures in life (well that and my rebellion against God and wanting to do things my way).  

So that was how I lived life... sort of floating around attaching myself to the nearest cool idea or thing... very shallow... wanting to belong and trying to be the best in everything... because isn't that what the world expects... for you to be the best in everything... all the time... while at the same time being emotionally available and humble enough to admit your mistakes.  I've tried that path as Sam the Sensitive Broken Man.  But it was only a half truth.  

Here is what I believe is the truth... which that statement sort of sounds arrogantly absolute, but in my mind, heart, soul it makes sense.  

I believe that my identity is found in love (which sounds super cliche).  What is love... I had to think about that question for about a month... I'm still thinking about it... Was love a powerful romantic emotion, was it the sum total of unconditional surrender, is it something tangible, like a hug, kiss, pat on the back, an approving glance or encouraging word?  Is it a form of manipulation? No, that's more like anti-love... I looked into biology... was love just a chemical response triggered by hormones?  Some people would say that... I looked into philosophy... was my idea of love a conditioned response of my environment and the people who taught me how to think and rationalize my interactions with others and my own emotions.  

All of the above sounds a bit too heady... like a bunch of intellectual fluff.  

The Bible in I Corinthians 13 describes love like a person.  It tells me that Love is kind, patient, not jealous, it doesn't brag, it isn't arrogant, it isn't provoked, and doesn't hold grudges (doesn't take into account a wrong suffered)... rejoices with the truth, bears all things (is supportive and encouraging) believes all things (has faith) hopes all things (is crazy optimistic) endures all things (it isn't wimpy, love isn't a wuss but tough, unbreakable).  Love never fails...

Ok... this person of love sounds like a superhero... like something out of legendary epics, myths, or blockbuster movies.  

... it gets even better...

So here I am chasing my identity around trying to accomplish, trying to become holy, to be super Christian... super Sam... 

It says in I Corinthians 13 that if I am the best at everything, have superhuman faith, speak with prophecy, can move mountains with my faith, if I am the smartest man in the world with everyone flocking to me to hear my wisdom... have all the fame, power, money, prestige... talents...  everything that humanity uses to inform their identity...

... it is all nothing without love... and all of it... everything will turn to dust and be forgotten... 

So I sort of fell into a decision... a desire... a passion... a dream... to have an Identity of Love... 

It's too vast and devastating to attempt on my own...  it is only by the transforming power of the Author and Source of Love that I can even begin on this eternal journey...

Jesus is the superhero of love... When my identity is in love ultimately my identity is in Jesus Christ.  

It is one and the same... Christ is love, I want to be like Him, therefore I want to be love... 

Having an identity of love is hard... but it is also easy at the same time... and when I am acting, feeling, speaking, teaching, singing, writing, just being love everything in the world is right.  It's like being in the arms of Christ without any shame... a communal, passionate, powerful, good, perfect identity...

The thing about love is that it can't be forced or coerced on anyone... it is authentic and genuine... both chosen and given freely... 

All I can do is invite you into an identity of love... into Jesus... 

My Identity is love...  An Identity of Love...  

"Passion" or "Habit"

There are few things in my life that are not dictated by a routine or at least a habit.  I like eating the same foods, wearing the same clothes, even spending time in the same places and with the same people... These familiar things provide comfort and establish a bit of normalcy and control to an otherwise uncontrollable life. 

Habit is defined as a "settled or regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up" 

The original meaning of the word was directly connected to some sort of dress, garment, or attire... so when we say we have a "habit of going to bed late" we are taking on the raiment of that practice... it is ingrained into who we are... not unchangeable, but comfortable... sometimes harmful, other times beneficial, and even at times both...

So where does "passion" fit in this discussion?   We have all heard different definitions of the word and idea of "passion"   It is often understood as a strong and barely controllable emotion... something that causes outbursts of emotion... an intense desire or enthusiasm for something... even a more popular definition that has been in Christian circles recently as the "suffering and death of Jesus"    

There is a magnetism that resonates from a life that intertwines and marries these two words together in a vibrant and unconditional pursuit of Jesus Christ.  It says in John 1:1-5 that

 "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God... He was in the beginning with God.  All things came into being through Him and apart from Him nothing came into being that has come into being.  In Him was life, and the life was the Light of men.  The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it"

This passage is so very rich with the love and passion of Christ.  He resonates through us... His Light gives us life... nothing... no one was, is, or will be without first coming from Him... He is the ultimate beginning and the triumphant end... the only Christ, the only God who exists... and He is beautiful and those who deny Him, who reside in darkness cannot comprehend Him... 

Fortunately Jesus revealed Himself through scripture, through real life experiences, and ultimately through His passion, His death and resurrection.  His complete and full forgiveness... He illuminated Himself as the Light of men... where darkness cannot reside....  

It is like a garment... a habit... a raiment that shines brighter than anything that you can ever imagine... Let's do something together, after you read this close your eyes for a moment... and just picture yourself clothed with the Light of Christ... whatever that looks like or feels like... capture it, remember it, write it down, sing about it, soak up the love of Christ that has always been, is now, and will always be... show us the measure of your grace...

I want this for you, for me, for everyone... although I am sometimes clouded by my "other" habits... those things that I take upon myself that can sometimes cover the Light of men... of Christ... strip off those harmful habits, seek after Christ and come back to your origins... 

So today I pray that I can worship God fully confident and clothed in His Light... with an intense desire and enthusiasm for Him, something that I can barely control or contain... something that cannot be and will not be removed or covered... I am running back to the beginning, to the renewal and revelation of Christ Light, who I was created to be... 

All other "passions" or "habits" are powerless without Him...

Walk with Christ

Blessings,

Sam

Starving...

Recently while doing some routine chores a thought hit me like a ton of bricks... which is kind of weird because normally taking out the trash doesn't always inspire the most epic thoughts.  So here I am with the trash bags in my hands and I am just enamored with how loving an merciful God is...  What happens when God decides to take out the trash in our lives... to just clear away the clutter, you know the stuff that you cling to and can't let go... I am in that state right at this moment... and as God releases my vice grip from my own wants and desires, those whispers in your head that turn you toward the harmful or at least the not so healthy "choices" in life...

It is really a self imposed starvation of the soul that can't be revived without the love, connection, and direction of Christ.  Have you ever spent a few days, weeks, months, even years without reading the Bible, praying, worshiping, connecting with God through service?  Now I don't know what it feels like to be disconnected and starved for years, but I certainly know what it feels like to be disconnect for days, weeks, even at times months... It really leaves an empty feeling in your heart... Like a walking zombie I relate and build relationships with God's creation... but they are broken relationships, connections that are fueled with me instead of God... and when "me" exists everything is sugary... unhealthy, and often provides sticky situations where hate, malice, discord occur...  It can be exciting and give you a rush in the beginning, but it is really a self imposed starvation of your soul... of your heart... of the life that God has given you. 

So what does a balanced diet of God look like?  How do we clear out the trash?  For me it begins with admitting I have a problem... I see the emaciated soul in the mirror of my heart and I am crushed... So a decision is made, a genuine regimen is crafted and acquired from the only genuine source of health... from God and His word...  One look toward God and I realize what it tastes like to be in the health of Christ... for some it is bitter, for others it is sweet, even others are so numb from starvation that even the smallest morsel would be a feast for them.

God gives us a feast, an endless celebration of who He is and a confident sharing of His love... At the table of Christ starvation is a forgotten memory... Christs' substance and sustenance for me is in worship, prayer, and in some cases reading the Bible... but what really gets me cooking is worshiping Him in the only real context that makes sense... through music and the arts.

That is one of the ways that God has created and crafted me... everyone's unique diet is different, even some of the most healthy practices are toxic to others... and remember that arsenic is poison for everyone...   Allow God to share with you what is perfect for you and then start experimenting ways of how to integrate it in your life... after a while you will be an expert in loving God and others because you have been feeding your soul with real food, the hefty stuff that builds strong muscles and brings vitality to your life...

So as I cast off the trash from my own life choices, I am left clean and new for the foundation of Christs' calling.  

What is your diet? 

Blessings,

Sam

Dreams never die...

You ever get that feeling when you are just compelled to do something memorable... the sort of feeling that isn't fueled by desires for power, fame, wealth, but something more like a hurricane is churning in your soul and you must release it...   it must be sung, written, painted, computed, created, implemented, empowered, taken apart, put together, crafted, attempted, etc... whatever it is and with whoever you do it with... chase after it... release the dream...

Personal dreams are sometimes spoken about like a far distant country... or a forgotten echo from the past... I'm guilty of sharing my dreams to others and the moment I reveal them I am quick to discredit or deny their existence or plausibility... but dreams never die...


Even the silly dreams of childhood, like walking on the moon, flying with make shift wings, conducting a symphony... those dreams stay with us... either we fulfill them, or they are kept in a safe place in our hearts... altered maybe by maturity, practicality, necessity, or they actually come true... either way... they are still there... 

I believe that dreams are empowered by each other and sometimes dreams are shared... even by anonymous people... recently I was viewing some videos of an incredibly talented rising musician... one of those grassroots sort of a phenomenons that just capture your gaze and causes you to pause and ignites your desire to chase after a similar dream... As a musician and aspiring artist this experience broke through a wall (one of many) in my life... you know what this wall looks like, often it has a voice... it says things like "you'll never make it" or "your not talented enough" or "it's too much work" or even "you're too old, wasted, gripped by either responsibilities, debt, mistakes of the past, sins, etc" 

These walls must come down... they must crumble to the ground... as the dust clears you see something beautiful, untouched and waiting for you... the God inspired, God given dreams of your heart...

The best way to enable your dreams is to chase after God first... not like an equation (dream + God first = dream becoming reality) but something genuine... a complete surrender... the enemy can't touch this... you can't mess this up... God always accepts a completely surrendered heart and will guide us even when we don't know how to do it... even in the midst of our darkest sins and most desperate hours...

Dream... dream big, let your dreams resonate in your soul... and allow God to direct and empower them...

Blessings,

Sam

Don't let the love grow cold...

Then they will deliver you to tribulation, and will kill you, and you will be hated by all nations because of My name.  At that time many will  fall away and will betray one another and hate one another.  Many false prophets will arise and will mislead many.  Because lawlessness is increased, most people’s love will grow cold.  But the one who endures to the end, he will be saved. This gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in the whole  world as a testimony to all the nations, and then the end will come.
                                                                                                                -Jesus Christ (Matthew 24:9-14)

Man, I can't tell you how powerful the words of Christ is in my life... He always knows how to reveal new amazing ways of how much I don't deserve His forgiveness, yet He gives it freely... so much grace and mercy...  

So I have been going through a slight season of apathy... you know what I mean... when you just don't have any reason to do what is healthy for you... or others... You are more concerned about yourself and what your desires are... those things that are not the best...  when you've let your love grow cold...  

This doesn't mean that you don't have love, but when depression or some realities in life just hit you like a ton of bricks... sometimes you are overwhelmed... then the love just passes through your heart and it is replaced with apathy or worse... hate, anger, despair, hopelessness... 

Now I am not experiencing all of those things... but when the love of Christ is not overflowing out of you... it just leaves room for those things in your heart... Don't let hatred and betrayal fill your heart... let the only lasting unconditional love fill every action you have... I was listening on the radio today and the speaker was saying that we ought to "sweat the small stuff"   In the Kingdom of God there is no small stuff... everything matters... yeah we are probably more concerned about the "big" things in life that most likely occupy our minds and actions, but sometimes it's the really tiny things in life that really steal our love... 

So when we are living life... the day to day, moment by moment sort of life... pray and seek out ways to love in the small and big and everything in between... then when the inevitable small and big things hit us like freight train we will be ready... soak up the love of Christ... ignite it everyday... every moment... 

Let Jesus empower you as you are sent to spread the Gospel of the Kingdom to all nations... In His love is the freedom of the world... and His forgiveness breathes life into their hearts... and clears the way for a new ancient eternal fire to burn through the hate and bring real love...

Love today... let it burn in your heart... 


Blessings,


Sam