Finding Absolution..

This is just a few thoughts that have been rumbling through my head recently.

Does anyone ever not feel forgiven from their sins? I mean is there such a thing as "feeling" forgiven or is it more of a matter of unconditional faith. Sometimes I don't feel forgiven, but I "think" I'm forgiven, I "say" I believe I'm forgiven and I attempt to "do" the faith practices that often times the forgiven follow, but to "feel" forgiven? There must be more than feeling...

This promise of perfect absolution from the consequences of sin... to be forgiven.... I believe must be more than a feeling... it is something much deeper. It is a reunification with the creator of the universe and an accepting of guilt and trusting that through Christ' sacrifice you have been forgiven from sin... it is a complete surrender to Christ and a recognition that He is the Lord of all that you are...

The feeling of forgiveness is never specifically promised (I think, please correct me if I'm wrong). What is promised is forgiveness from sins from those who confess that they have sinned and believe (really genuinely believe) that Christ is Lord, their Lord and only sovereign power over them. This is a love promise. A promise to love and protect you just like a husband to a wife and a father to a child. As followers of Christ we are called "children of God" and we are also called collectively "the bride of Christ." Those are powerful positions of closeness to God.

I am not married nor do I have any children, but for those of you who are married and/or have children I am taking a leap of faith that you would do almost anything to protect them from harm and to nurture them toward living healthy lifestyles that engender genuine love and care for others. That is the sort of forgiveness that Christ offers. It is a forgiveness that represents one life given freely to be killed in order to save another. This act has been made famous in movies, literature, legends, stories, etc. To die for someone is considered to be an act of selflessness.

All of this I believe to be true but sometimes I don't act like it is true. I wallow if fear, worry, or anger... thinking that I am lost and not knowing what to do. Sometimes I walk with utter confidence and peace knowing that God has forgiven me and is guiding me whether I know it or not. Often times it's a mixture of both doubt and faith. That is normal but is it ideal?

Finding your absolution... the only absolution in Christ sometimes is a journey but it is always always always there for you... Christ is always ready to forgive and never ceases to love you, no matter what you have done or will do or want to do.

I am forgiven... sometimes my own choices and sins keep me from feeling forgiven, but in the end I rediscover my forgiveness when I run back to Christ... He never lets you go... How do you find forgiveness... where does your absolution lie?

Blessings,

Sam

Dependable...

Dependable... adjective, meaning trustworthy and reliable...

I serve the God who is trustworthy and reliable... even when I am not. Have you ever made choices or said things that later you cringe or tremble when you think about them... Careless words or actions that cut to the core of even your staunches beliefs... I have been a few situations that I would love to change and take back, I've said and done things have compromised who I am as a person but the reality is that everyone makes mistakes and everyone breaks down... everyone, that is, except God...

This isn't to say that I am putting God on the same level as humanity... but as a Christian and a follower of Christ I can rest assured that even in the midst of the blackest mire and muck that I could ever think up or get myself into God is there and He doesn't turn away from us. He is the strong arm ready to pick us up and the gentle soother of our souls when we work through our own struggles and trials.

There is a sense of justice and discipline in the nature of God... He disciplined the Israelites when they sinned against Him... consider when Israel rebelled against God several time throughout the Bible and God let them go into the hands of their enemies... suffer pestilence, drought, and famine... but as soon as they threw down their idols and turned back to Him, forgiveness, grace, and mercy were there... He is a dependable God...

Mercy and Grace... wow these two concepts are very hard to accept sometimes... consider that we live in a society where everything is completely self focused and increasingly becoming more and more hedonistic. For me I struggle with not accepting God's grace and mercy because I think that I can do it all by myself... but in reality I am left empty and deeply wanting. Grace and mercy are often paired together in the Christian world but sometimes the nature of these attributes of God are separated from His love. What I mean is that Grace and Mercy without of love would be empty. So for people like myself who sometimes begrudgingly accept the grace and mercy of God must first grapple with the reality that God loves us... I say grapple or struggle because Love... real love... especially for those who have a distorted understanding of love is sometimes hard to accept. It's like an abused dog that is picked up by a loving family at the pound. The dog at first doesn't understand the love he is receiving from the family... all that he has known is hardship, mistreatment, or abandonment... possibly even abuse. The family nurtures the dog into accepting love, but this takes time.

Accepting God's love sometimes takes time, but God's love, mercy, grace, and forgiveness never diminish or leave... He sticks around... He is dependable... even in the midst of our own terrible choices and mistakes... our sins...

Let us seek after God's love, mercy, grace, and forgiveness... I pray that I will grow more confident in my acceptance of God's love, mercy, grace, and forgiveness as I seek after Him... I pray that I will be dependable just like Christ continues to be dependable. Life sometimes doesn't progress the ways we want it to... sometimes dreams are crushed in order to cultivate our lives for something more profound.

Jesus... please be my rock in all times and in all seasons... please be a sure foothold when I am unsteady in my faith or make the wrong choices... please breakdown my pride and please partner with me as I throw down my idols. Remove the high places of my heart and take your place on the throne in my heart. Make me compassionate as you are and dependable in all ways. Please make me open and willing to serve You unwaveringly and please support me when I fall. God you alone deserve all praise and honor and glory...

I serve the dependable God... He is dependable to you even when you don't believe it or believe in Him...

Blessings...

It's all about people...

I know it might be naive of me to think that I have any sage like wisdom to pass on to others... I am nearly 26 years old and I have a lot of life to live... But in retrospect I believe that I've lived a lot of life in those 25 years... So what I have learned and what I hope to keep on applying is that other than keeping God in control of your life and serving Him with everything you have and are... life is all about people.

Achievements... school, education, traveling, eating, working, breathing... everything centers around people. What I have found out is that I continually miss applying this truth to my everyday life. I get involved in my classes, assignments, job, movies, television, books, the mundane and normal responsible tasks of life and I ignore people. Ask yourself this question... When was the last time you called your mom or dad or when did you last have a real genuine deep conversation with someone? For me my answers would be I talked with my mom and dad about three days ago and I had a good conversation with someone last Friday. Ok now that might make me look like I'm doing awesome... but in reality I have spent 2 or 3 weeks not calling my parents before and I have actually lived life not really communing with people beyond the surface conversations for weeks as well.

So where does the disconnect happen? Are we really afraid of relationships? Am I really afraid of close relationships? It's breaking the ice and not caring what people think that will open doors to new relationships, to new experiences, to new avenues of life that would previously be closed. Have you ever been to a new place and were taken back at how wonderful or awful it was and never knew that something like this could actually exist. It's like going on a missions trip and seeing poverty first hand or stepping off the train near the center of L.A. and seeing the entropy of society at its' core.

People... rich people, poor people, beautiful and ugly the marginalized and those with every opportunity available, those who would label themselves normal or above average, Christians, atheist, and everyone else of all faiths... every race and nationality... boil everyone down into one group... those who breath... who have a pulse, who exist... even those who are yet to be born... everyone is important... everyone is beautiful... everyone is loved by God and everyone should be loved by you (generic you).

I have been in seasons where the most important person in the world was "me." That is when sin creeps in and takes root... when God is out of the picture or at least on the sidelines... sin and lies have the opportunity to take root and really mess things up...

This doesn't mean that I am always this way, but it does mean that I have to be careful to avoid these seasons or these trains of thought...

Back to my point... people... the living breathing kind... are so very important...

Jesus came to save people... not just the special spiritual kind of people... all people...

God has no discrimination of who you are, how much money you have, what you look like... God only cares about the heart... and loves everyone... even those who hate Him and hate others...

In Acts 1o:34b-35 Peter learns that "God is not one to show partiality but in every nation the man who fears Him and does what is right is welcome to Him." (NASB)

So there it is... people are important... love them... all of them...

Blessings,

Sam

When it's never enough...

After my previous revealing blog I thought that I should follow it up with something that I have been thinking about and churning in my heart. So here it goes...

Have you ever been around a child or seen examples of people living a life where they think that everything around them family, friends, job, future is never enough? Where the grass is always greener and people always seem to have it all together except you or live lives that you would do almost anything to have. Or even have you ever wanted to change something about yourself so that your life was easier? I admit that sometimes I indulge in these feelings. Sometimes it is comfortable to be a victim... just like the little child who gets hurt and then waits to see his mother before he cries... he knows that when someone is there to hear him that he will be probably be coddled...

This victim mentality is dangerous. It is addictive and habit forming. How many people in the world walk around with a limp and destroy their lives because some kind of injustice (perceived or real) has been done to them instead of just picking up their lives and moving on with the expectation of hope, love, joy, and for those who believe in Jesus a future with Him as His servant. Think about all of the entitlement programs that are out there and the people who abuse them... (This is not a jab at entitlement programs but a statement of fact that there are an unknown number of people who abuse them).

Imagine if some of the most influential people in history just gave up because they thought that they weren't "enough" or that they didn't have "enough" or because they were the "have not's" Consider the most popular examples of Abraham Lincoln, Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison... what about your neighbor down the street or the rookie police officer who keeps on making mistakes on the job or even the mothers who are going through the school for hard knocks with their children?

The fact is that people are resilient if they would just try... world change happens to the people who keeps on dusting themselves off and keep at it over and over and over again.

Yet sometimes we need to know how and when to stop and to change tactics, directions, dreams...

It's like the in the Meisner Acting Technique... you can approach a person and attempt to get what you want but when that person isn't budging emotionally or is putting up a wall emotionally you must change your tactics... it's either change or you end up going no where and the acting scene looks fake and surreal...

Sometimes I wish I could really take my own advice that I give in my blogs. To really embrace it and just plainly apply it to my life and love others unconditionally. Have you ever given advice to someone that you know to be sound and true yet you don't do it yourself. It's like preaching a sermon and going out and living life that is contrary to what you just taught.... It makes you a fake, some could a traitor... but a traitor to yourself to your soul...

So I am in a season where I don't feel like I have enough and their is a burning passionate zealous hole that was previously filled by my ambition to succeed and do exceptionally well in an MFA in Acting program... That program and the knowledge and doors it opened represented to me or at least in my perception an opportunity to lay claim to something that is difficult, that many do not succeed in, and that is very very very hard to be apart of. It was almost like an exclusive club of the elites in acting... I even wanted to embrace the program with real organic humility... I entered into the program believing that I wasn't good enough to be in it... I kept this mentality through my year of studies and was sometimes paralyzed by fear that I would fail... and when I finally did fail it crushed my heart, my dreams, and left me wounded...

PRIDE and JEALOUSLY were the by products of this poisonous point of view in my year as an MFA in acting candidate... although it was mingled with a sincere desire to deeply love people and to serve them and God fully.

Can that even be possible? To mix contrary emotional states?

I have reviewed over and over again my year in the program and even went to far as to say to some people that I would have paid double the full tuition of the school to keep on going in the program and would have worked harder and longer than I ever did in the first year even if the faculty thought it would be to my detriment to continue in the program... that was how strong my resolve was... it wasn't about the money... it wasn't about the difficulty of the work... and I fully believe that I would have improved exponentially if I was given the chance, if I was given more time... I wanted it... I desired to succeed... my success and the status of being an MFA trained artist was (and still is) so attractive to me...

The above statement is full of some poisonous words and extreme pride... I recognize it and I know it is wrong to even think it or embrace this toxic idea, it still is a natural organic real response.

But even if I was given another chance... given an opportunity to finish the program would it be enough for me? Would I run off and try to achieve something else that would fill the burning hole in my heart?

I... must... run... after... Christ...

Christ is my "enough" even though sometimes I don't feel it in my heart. Has anyone else struggled to actually realize the love of God and really feel it deep inside them? I know that God is more than a feeling but I believe that God knows that humanity needs to connect emotionally with their Creator and loving Father and that He will open up His heart of love to us. Consider Jesus embracing children in the Bible and weeping over the death of Lazarus...

So I am on a journey... (again) without any clear direction for the future (again) in a place with no stability and structure (again)

BUT... Jesus is my rock... I want Him to be the rock and foundation in my life... I've tried very hard to accept that and keep that a constant reality in my life... to embrace true humility and run after Him with a devoted servants heart for others...

I'm not perfect... I'm not even pretty good... I'm just broken and I am desperate for restoration but I want it quickly and painlessly... which is probably not going to happen.

If anything substantial is going to happen in the life I have been given to serve God and others I must address the issues that keep me from succeeding and destroy them... drive them to the ground... and lift the burden and yoke off of my soul and live free in the hope, joy, love, and peace of Christ.

Jesus is my "enough" who is your "enough"?

Blessings,

Sam

Changing Directions.... sort of...

Again it's been a while since I've posted anything on my blog... I attribute that to busyness in school and my lack of enthusiasm to write anything because of the many things I was already writing, but with school finished for a few weeks and a few hours to kill with whatever floats my boat I decided to stretch out my blogger muscles (do these actually exist?).

Life has yet again thrown me through a loop. I am faced with monumentally tough decisions and no real direction presents itself. I have a mess of options but none of them are appealing to me, so I take the most logical choice and have decided to work hard at that for at least the next couple of months.

For those who read my blog (all four of you) I am often vague on the specifics of life... well today is another day... Recently I was removed or downgraded in my estimation from an MFA in Acting degree to a M.A. in Theatre Studies degree. Now that may seem trivial to most, but to me it was devastating. What's even more devastating is that it wasn't because of normal reasons... a.k.a. academic (poor grades)... or disruptive behavior (lighting the school on fire)... or even budget cuts... It was because I couldn't emote or more precisely because I had so much anxiety that when I emoted I didn't emote in ways that seemed normal to others or I couldn't connect with "the other" (an acting term) in my scenes in ways that were appropriate to my instructors.

So I was given the metaphorical heave ho from the degree but with a soft pillow landing into the M.A. in Theatre Studies. This presented a complicated issue for me. For those who know me acting and performing... the sheer thrill of creating something new and powerful has been a deep passion for me. Also for those who know me, I studied Biblical Studies first, then Theatre, then went on to an MFA... now I am in an M.A. degree and in some ways loathing it and in others I am just anxious to finish so I can forget the whole ordeal and move on in life. The point being is that sometimes I feel that the things I have studied Bible and Theatre are the things that I am not good at... or at least not good enough at to make a solid living with. It's as if God decided to give me weird abstract talents and skills that don't line up together and do not give me any hope of living a fulfilled life. Imagine a ping pong player who knows how to serve a ball like it was nobodies business yet couldn't return it if his life depended on it... that's me...

This may look like a faithless attitude... but it's a real attitude... it's real emotions... it's the real deal, nothing fake about the feelings. One might say that I am carrying this situation to the extreme and that I should just focus on the positives and move on. Yes, I agree in some ways... yes, I'm not dying, yes I have a loving family and girlfriend, yes I have supportive friends, and yes I live in country with many freedoms and opportunities... and most of all yes I have a loving caring God... These are all true, they are all real, and they are all great parts of my life... yet it doesn't change how I feel and how in my experience that I continue to fail over and over again...

Does anyone else cringe at hearing the platitudes of those who are trying to comfort others... Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't... To hear things like "it's all in God's plans" or "Everything will be alright" or even "We are here for you." These sayings are good and bad, real and sometimes fake. It's as if humanity has lost the capability of being genuine while at the same time deciding that the new genuine should be accompanied with these platitudes...

I desperately desire something concrete, something tangible, something with clarity... not just a bunch of whimsical button phrases that are supposed to make me feel better... they don't make me feel better they just remind me how I don't feel... I don't feel anything when people say them to me, yet I offend others when I don't acknowledge their effort and I try to remain in good spirits when they speak to me and when I speak to them... Sometimes it feels like my life is a facade of good intentions and feelings.

So here I am... left without the talents or skills needed to do what I want to do and to be who I want to be... The Christian answer would be to give everything to Christ and do what He wants me to do... what is that? How does one do that? To love others... I tried that and it blew up in my face because when I desperately tried to make others feel and know the love I had for them they cringed and moved away from me... I wanted to give a good gift and to love them... they saw it as awkward and ran from me... OK... so me loving others scares them... I tried counseling to figure out how to love others without scaring them... it worked minimally... for some I had already burned the bridges of fellowship because they were not used to someone like me... Even in my heart of hearts I believe that there are a couple people in my MFA cohort who are happy that I was dismissed from the program... finally a relief from this awkward mass of a man... (I know this isn't true of many in my cohort).

Pause.... breathe.... this litany of complaints and emotional tirade of accusations does not get me anywhere....

So I am changing directions... (yet again)... I'm not even sure I am qualified to call myself an artist anymore... more like a man with no passion and no desire to live a mediocre life... a faithless man... a man who does not have any connection to humanity because he's so afraid of them and failing them...

What are my options:

1. Finish M.A. degree (I'm doing this)

2. Work to pay off my loans (I need a job that pays me at least $3000/month net)

3. I do not want to work in the business world, in sales, in marketing, or in the health care field

4. I want to be an artist yet I lack the capability to be an artist in traditional and even abstract definitions

5. I could start writing (some people say I have skills writing).

Caveat to number 5:

Although it is true that some think that I am a fair writer I am scared to commit to this. I loathe researching because it takes so much time... and I don't want to be a novelist because, well often my writing is so convoluted that people have trouble following it. I also have a tendency to write in difficult to follow ways... it's as if I don't make sense to many people. I write candidly in journals and in my blog, yet not many fully understand what is going on... Also anyone can write... I don't want to be just anyone I want to be someone exceptional and I am willing to work harder than ever to be this person...

Back to the list:

6. I don't want a boring job

7. I am not an organizational leader nor do I have the talents of gathering together people to create a movement or ministry

8. I am not emotionally available enough to be an actor

9. I have a huge amount of psychological difficulties that prohibit further growth in some areas of my life and the lack of funds to address these difficulties in further counseling

10. To just live life without any expectations and worries trusting that everything will work out alright and being content with the mediocrity that seems to plague every move I make.

11. I could teach theatre in a high school (I have absolutely no desire to do this whatsoever)...

So this is a question for my very small amount of readers... (all two of you possibly)...

What do you think I should do? Do you think I should write? Do you think that my talents are in something other than Theatre and Ministry? Do you have any suggestions?

So that's my blog... it's not as insightful as usual (or at least I think that sometimes my blogs are insightful and encouraging)

So I'm changing directions... sort of... where I don't know... why, I don't know... am I developing a crippling apathy (a little)...

God is great, God is good, and God loves you (this I know to be true)... rest in His love!

Numb but still Alive

Well it's been a while since I've posted anything but I've had an idea/concept whirling around in my brain for a while and I just needed to get it out. So without further raillery here we go...

Recently I was having a conversation with a friend about God and how my relationship with Him really is often like a wave ebbing and flowing from Great to sort of "eh." It was during this time that I thought about the feeling of having an arm go asleep (or leg, fingers, nose, etc. pick a part of the body). It was in this thought that it donned on me that my relationship with God was similar to being numb, but still alive.

When God is out of the picture in our lives or put on hold, when are connection to the source is strained we become numb, disconnected, unable to operate at the fullest, and able to dabble in the dangerous without immediately feeling the effects of sin. That is where I am at sometimes. When I am disconnected, even slightly from the source I often find myself heading towards my old "pet" sins that really destroy who I am and who Christ has created me to be. I become numb and unable to feel the pain and danger, unable to sense the encroaching tentacles of sin wrapping its arms around me and taking me down a path of destruction. It doesn't even have to look like I am going down, I could be "A" "OK" on the outside, have it all put together in most areas of my life, yet there are places in who I am that have the potential to be eroded away to nothing. For example: remember when your parents told you to "brush your teeth" when you were young, well they did that to help you keep your teeth and encourage habits of dental health, without it our teeth would just erode and rot away. I don't know if you know this but teeth are rather tough, they compose some of the hardest bones in your body. So when you think that you can take a little sin without brushing it off, when you think that you are strong enough to withstand a little dabbling in the "candy of life." Sin doesn't erode our lives all at once, but slowly over time... it sticks with you and has very real long lasting effects.

Numb: "deprived of the power of sensation" as my handy Mac dictionary tells me...

When we are hands, feet, or other appendages are numb it is only the really hard and painful stuff that gets our attention... Unfortunately the enemy often works with a long term plan for our destruction... nibbling away at us, tempting in the little things... breaking us down bit by bit, until there is little left but a shrivel of what we used to be... That's when it hits us... and it hits us hard... the little sins mature to enormous sins and begin to invade into every part of who we are until we walk around fully numb with real pain ever increasing trying to find restoration in yet even more sin...

BUT... there is something awesome about the power of God. Once we accept Him and acknowledge the necessity of change and turn toward obedience to Him, to health we are beginning our journey with Him.

Tingling... so what usually happens when we try to wake up a "numb" part of the body... we move it, shake it, hit it... ultimately we are trying to reconnect and speed the connection to the source, to gain access to blood.

That's the same thing that happens to us when we come to Christ... we gain access to the "Blood of Christ" we are reconnected to Him and are made fully alive... Often it is hard work and like most time when numbness goes it away and tingling happens pain and discomfort are the by products. This isn't to say that Salvation in Christ hurts, but sometimes major life change will hurt and take bold moves and breakthroughs to real change through Christ. Pain will happen, but it is only temporary pain.

Now we are restored back to what we were created to be, a fully alive part of the body of Christ. This brings me back to my original point. When I step away from Christ away from the source and seek out my own desires, wants, and needs, I am cut off and become numb. The Holy Spirit works in me and sometimes through the grace of God I get a holy kick in the rear end back towards health. And yeah, it tingles, and often hurts like heck because the reason I stay in sin is because I enjoy it too much to want to change... call it an addiction, an addiction to death. So as I move back towards Christ and through Him break the chains of bondage and gain "full" access to the source I am made whole, fully sensitive to Him, fully alive and able to function as a part of the Body of Christ.

Jesus uses similar agricultural language to describe the Kingdom of God... He cuts away the unproductive, dead parts of the Kingdom and throws them into the fire...

I don't know about you, but I don't want to be cut off from God... no amount of sin is even close to being worth that, not ever...

So maybe in your life you feel a little or a lot numb... I know I do sometimes... Let us partner with each other as we reconnect back to the source, back to Christ... Being Alive is so much better than numb...

So there you have it... "Numb but still Alive"

Blessings

Busted... but not broken...

It's late at night and I can't seem to sleep. I have way too many things going on in my brain. I am about to embark on a heavy endeavor called grad school... it's this heavy endeavor that keeps me level, yet feelings of unpreparedness and lack of confidence consume me. If anyone has ever done anything artistic or even tried something very scary and new they understand the feeling I am going through now. It's like live theatre.... there you are, up on stage, trying desperately to share with the audience the truth of your performance and giving them something dynamic and real... and you are up there and your mind is numb... you are captivated by the staggering power of being on stage and everyone in the world seems to fade.

This same feeling of numbness happens to me when I sin or when I become so consumed with the small that I forget the big. A better way to put this is when I forget about people... the real tangible people and only remember myself.

SO.... I'M BUSTED..... BUT NOT BROKEN....

I'm busted in the sense that something isn't right, like a piece just dangling that needs to be reconnected or a scraped knee or even something as serious as a missing limb... something is gone and needs to be there...

But brokenness denotes something unheard of... a lack of ability... brokenness could even be described as dead. When one is dead they are no longer able to first hand effect the lives of the living.

I'm busted, but not broken, not dead, capable of generating some sort of change, some sort of connection with others that will hopefully bring them to Christ.

But busted isn't something to be proud of, it's something to desire healing from. What is your vice, your situation or addiction or thing that makes you busted? Is it gambling, lying, stealing, drugs, sexual issues, anger, procrastination, or even infatuation in something that most think is healthy???

So, where does healing come from? To become unbusted?

It comes from Christ... from Jesus... from a complete turning back to the master builder...

But we are not becoming refurbished human beings...

We are new creations through Christ... and we will continue to be renewed as we continue to come back to and follow Christ...

We are no longer busted and brokenness no longer exists...

WE ARE SIMPLY WHOLE...

But we are not whole in ourselves, but in Christ who makes us whole by giving us His wholeness and taking on our bustedness (a.k.a. sin).

So... the things that hold us back from doing the scary... like my new endeavor in grad school or your situation X that you are struggling with... those are the things that masks us to the reality that being busted isn't what we're supposed to be... we are made new everyday... if we seek, if we knock, if we come back running to the Father...

God will always run towards us, pick us up and restore us to Him, make us new, just like He made the blind see, the lame walk, and the dead rise up and live...

BUSTED... BUT NOT BROKEN...

Blessings...