Numb but still Alive

Well it's been a while since I've posted anything but I've had an idea/concept whirling around in my brain for a while and I just needed to get it out. So without further raillery here we go...

Recently I was having a conversation with a friend about God and how my relationship with Him really is often like a wave ebbing and flowing from Great to sort of "eh." It was during this time that I thought about the feeling of having an arm go asleep (or leg, fingers, nose, etc. pick a part of the body). It was in this thought that it donned on me that my relationship with God was similar to being numb, but still alive.

When God is out of the picture in our lives or put on hold, when are connection to the source is strained we become numb, disconnected, unable to operate at the fullest, and able to dabble in the dangerous without immediately feeling the effects of sin. That is where I am at sometimes. When I am disconnected, even slightly from the source I often find myself heading towards my old "pet" sins that really destroy who I am and who Christ has created me to be. I become numb and unable to feel the pain and danger, unable to sense the encroaching tentacles of sin wrapping its arms around me and taking me down a path of destruction. It doesn't even have to look like I am going down, I could be "A" "OK" on the outside, have it all put together in most areas of my life, yet there are places in who I am that have the potential to be eroded away to nothing. For example: remember when your parents told you to "brush your teeth" when you were young, well they did that to help you keep your teeth and encourage habits of dental health, without it our teeth would just erode and rot away. I don't know if you know this but teeth are rather tough, they compose some of the hardest bones in your body. So when you think that you can take a little sin without brushing it off, when you think that you are strong enough to withstand a little dabbling in the "candy of life." Sin doesn't erode our lives all at once, but slowly over time... it sticks with you and has very real long lasting effects.

Numb: "deprived of the power of sensation" as my handy Mac dictionary tells me...

When we are hands, feet, or other appendages are numb it is only the really hard and painful stuff that gets our attention... Unfortunately the enemy often works with a long term plan for our destruction... nibbling away at us, tempting in the little things... breaking us down bit by bit, until there is little left but a shrivel of what we used to be... That's when it hits us... and it hits us hard... the little sins mature to enormous sins and begin to invade into every part of who we are until we walk around fully numb with real pain ever increasing trying to find restoration in yet even more sin...

BUT... there is something awesome about the power of God. Once we accept Him and acknowledge the necessity of change and turn toward obedience to Him, to health we are beginning our journey with Him.

Tingling... so what usually happens when we try to wake up a "numb" part of the body... we move it, shake it, hit it... ultimately we are trying to reconnect and speed the connection to the source, to gain access to blood.

That's the same thing that happens to us when we come to Christ... we gain access to the "Blood of Christ" we are reconnected to Him and are made fully alive... Often it is hard work and like most time when numbness goes it away and tingling happens pain and discomfort are the by products. This isn't to say that Salvation in Christ hurts, but sometimes major life change will hurt and take bold moves and breakthroughs to real change through Christ. Pain will happen, but it is only temporary pain.

Now we are restored back to what we were created to be, a fully alive part of the body of Christ. This brings me back to my original point. When I step away from Christ away from the source and seek out my own desires, wants, and needs, I am cut off and become numb. The Holy Spirit works in me and sometimes through the grace of God I get a holy kick in the rear end back towards health. And yeah, it tingles, and often hurts like heck because the reason I stay in sin is because I enjoy it too much to want to change... call it an addiction, an addiction to death. So as I move back towards Christ and through Him break the chains of bondage and gain "full" access to the source I am made whole, fully sensitive to Him, fully alive and able to function as a part of the Body of Christ.

Jesus uses similar agricultural language to describe the Kingdom of God... He cuts away the unproductive, dead parts of the Kingdom and throws them into the fire...

I don't know about you, but I don't want to be cut off from God... no amount of sin is even close to being worth that, not ever...

So maybe in your life you feel a little or a lot numb... I know I do sometimes... Let us partner with each other as we reconnect back to the source, back to Christ... Being Alive is so much better than numb...

So there you have it... "Numb but still Alive"

Blessings

Busted... but not broken...

It's late at night and I can't seem to sleep. I have way too many things going on in my brain. I am about to embark on a heavy endeavor called grad school... it's this heavy endeavor that keeps me level, yet feelings of unpreparedness and lack of confidence consume me. If anyone has ever done anything artistic or even tried something very scary and new they understand the feeling I am going through now. It's like live theatre.... there you are, up on stage, trying desperately to share with the audience the truth of your performance and giving them something dynamic and real... and you are up there and your mind is numb... you are captivated by the staggering power of being on stage and everyone in the world seems to fade.

This same feeling of numbness happens to me when I sin or when I become so consumed with the small that I forget the big. A better way to put this is when I forget about people... the real tangible people and only remember myself.

SO.... I'M BUSTED..... BUT NOT BROKEN....

I'm busted in the sense that something isn't right, like a piece just dangling that needs to be reconnected or a scraped knee or even something as serious as a missing limb... something is gone and needs to be there...

But brokenness denotes something unheard of... a lack of ability... brokenness could even be described as dead. When one is dead they are no longer able to first hand effect the lives of the living.

I'm busted, but not broken, not dead, capable of generating some sort of change, some sort of connection with others that will hopefully bring them to Christ.

But busted isn't something to be proud of, it's something to desire healing from. What is your vice, your situation or addiction or thing that makes you busted? Is it gambling, lying, stealing, drugs, sexual issues, anger, procrastination, or even infatuation in something that most think is healthy???

So, where does healing come from? To become unbusted?

It comes from Christ... from Jesus... from a complete turning back to the master builder...

But we are not becoming refurbished human beings...

We are new creations through Christ... and we will continue to be renewed as we continue to come back to and follow Christ...

We are no longer busted and brokenness no longer exists...

WE ARE SIMPLY WHOLE...

But we are not whole in ourselves, but in Christ who makes us whole by giving us His wholeness and taking on our bustedness (a.k.a. sin).

So... the things that hold us back from doing the scary... like my new endeavor in grad school or your situation X that you are struggling with... those are the things that masks us to the reality that being busted isn't what we're supposed to be... we are made new everyday... if we seek, if we knock, if we come back running to the Father...

God will always run towards us, pick us up and restore us to Him, make us new, just like He made the blind see, the lame walk, and the dead rise up and live...

BUSTED... BUT NOT BROKEN...

Blessings...

Highs and Lows...

Is it possible to live perpetually on a high? Would most of us want to live on a high forever? Over the past few months I have been challenged, stretched, moved deeply, bound up in deep frustrations, blessed, depressed, kept hostage by thoughts, and renewed in beautiful ways. So it has been a time of highs and lows.

From the beginning of this season of life I have seen the ever present love of God flow in numerous ways both in the real and in the spiritual realms (if there is even a dissipation between the two). Yet I have been working through the concept of what really defines a "low" time? To me a "low" time represents those times when I fail (usually monumentally and very publicly), those times when I loose touch with reality, when I think thoughts like "Gee, I don't have a job yet, maybe something is wrong with me" or "why is it that I can't get a job?" Yet when I think those things, say them out loud, even write them now they seem petty, a bit short sighted, and overshadowed by the real pain, suffering, and needs of countless hundreds of millions around the world.

To them, my lows are their highs (now this isn't saying my horrible failures are their high, I was merely referring to finances and the opportunities that I have been blessed with). So when I go through the periodic and sometimes frequent lows I am left with a stymied sense of either "try harder next time" or sometimes "God everything is in Your hands, but could You notice me over here." Maybe our lows are the times when God is wanting us to notice Him.

What about the high times, the times of blessing, the times of success, the times of acclaim, the times of "things just are working out, despite my own effort," the times where we see God clearly in the beautiful moments of life. Do these times represent a "noticing" of God's presence, the only time when we attribute sovereignty to God. (to be honest I'm still formulating my own thoughts about that last statement).

What I want to embrace continually are the "now" times. The continual and organic relationship with God and people on an intimate level that surpasses all understanding of highs and lows. To live with an understanding that God is constantly, unwaveringly, with perfect love, grace, and peace... wanting to have a beautiful, radical, relationship with me, with you, with humanity. God describes this relationship like a husband and bride, humanity, those who follow after Him, the "Bride" is something that He cherishes, He died for, He is willing to fight for. When I think about the now times, I am caught up in the reality that life may be perfect or lousy but with God life is consistently awesome, beautiful, without words, hands down the best...

Someday I want to be married, I pray this will happen, I pray for my future wife and kids, that they will know Christ and be healthy. This is a dream that I am willing to fight for, but I refuse to force into being... just like Christ does not force us into a relationship with Him. We are not forced to notice Him, but when we do it is beautiful, like seeing your bride coming down the aisle or seeing your husband's radiant smile as you approach him... it is a now moment because you realize that this is the real thing, this is what life is supposed to look like... even in the midst of suffering, pain, success, real joy we recognize that God is eternal, His love does not change, and He continually is waiting in anticipation for us...

So, this blog may not be specifically about highs and lows, but I think it's about something important and for those few who read it, I hope it will mean something to you.

I'll end with this...

"When life breaks apart those great ships of state that we cling to and leaves us adrift in a vast sea of hopelessness and when we are caught up and rescued by a mysterious yet beautiful hero, do we focus on the turmoil of the past or the miraculous rescue when we tell our story or do we hide in shame, because we failed?"

-Anonymous...

I pray peace in your lows and blessings in your highs, but most of all I pray for your remembrances...

Blessings,

Sam

A tidal wave of passions...

So... recently I have been influenced by a great deal of passions... I experience beautiful expressions of humanity and I am moved to act and be a part of their journey... I hear and experience awe inspiring music and I decide that I want to be be a song writer and share with the world something more than me... I witness great feats of performance and I feel an almost instinctual drawing to be a part of the stage... to break away from normality and become someone else and be able to freely explore the infinite depth that is found in the truth of acting... I am driven to want to explore the world and journey to far distant lands and attempt through Christ to be His vessel of world change there...
There are even silly endeavors, for example, I recently went to Sea World with my mom and I marveled at the grace and beauty of the Shamu show (I know, corny right?)... so out of curiosity I looked up what it takes to be a whale trainer: it turns out all you have to do is be scuba certified, swim 200 ft. above water, swim 100 ft. under water, free dive to 26ft. under water, have zoology experience, have performance experience, and have some course work in marine biology... NOW that may sound like a lot, but I've been practicing my swimming just for the heck of it... I can now swim 75ft. underwater and pssh 200ft. in water... I saw an old guy (like 70's) swimming at least that much...
Ok, enough of that tangent, back to the point of this blog...

I want to know if anyone else is driven by multiple passions like myself? Because I would hate to be the only one... But you know what, these passions of God, music, theatre, missions, and people have been my core passions for quite some time now...

ONLY WHERE AND HOW CAN I BEGIN TO APPLY THEM?

So that's the rub... I am hit with a tidal wave of passions and almost zero direction...
I have experience, skills, education, drive, and a heart to serve... but on the other hand I doubt who I am... and what I can do...

So I am washed away by my passions, desperately clinging to anything that will stick, or the little planks of wood that seem to offer a resemblance of stability... so that is the current situation...

All the while there is the real life responsibilities that need to be taken care of, like bills, finding a job, maintaining good health...

Above all I am so blessed with the opportunity to forge a new beginning with Christ and with my awesome friends and family...

So as this tidal wave of passions envelop me I am confident that something will stick and maybe I could do it all... who wouldn't want to be an actor/musician/song writer/missionary/pastor/whale trainer/people lover... servant of the Most High God...

Ok, maybe nothing profound was said in this blog, but sometimes blogs like this are good...

I pray blessings for you all...
Sam

The Death inherent in Sin...

So have any of you ever come across a mental or creative block... a sort of break away from the driving forces that our passions give us... That is what happens to me when I sin... it's a form of the death that happens to my life that exposes me the ruthlessly elusive effects of sin on my life... So when this happens to a creative (or anyone for that matter) there is something that breaks within us... something that needs to be restored, to be brought back to life...

Death...

...the permanent ending of something vital...

So although those who follow Christ are free from eternal death... there is still very real radical effects of death in our lives when we sin... when we are separated from God or broken from communion... from fellowship... (Although to stop all of the nay sayers out there that I may be inferring to a separation from God even after salvation... I am merely inferring that with sin there needs to be confession, recognition, and re-establishment of communion with the "Holy" God).

With this separation sin infects us like a virus... it tethers and weighs us down like chains...

Have you ever seen or read about the chains on Charles Dickens "Marley" when he confronts Scrooge... that's how we are when we sin... we may be alive and able to move and breath, but we are dragging, rattling, and rusting away under the weight and effect of sin...

So here we are coupled, chained, marred by the chains of sin, the death in sin...

We are free from the eternal consequences of sin through Christ, but there is a very real shadowy illusive, tangible death that comes with our sins...

People can act and talk with others differently... they can be hindered in their own growth with God, they can be robbed of real experiences with others that would could have been...

Sin causes death that sometimes leads to fear... to doubt... to feelings of low self confidence and gives rise for the powers of this world to latch on to something... to light the fire under the death...

What is worst is that when we sin, often we (and I) don't realize the death that comes with the sin...

Relationships with others breakdown... it robs me from intimate relationships from others...

BUT....

Sin and Death do not always remain and they are defeated, eradicated by Christ and His sacrifice... and either immediately or over time the death goes away... The death no longer has a strangle hold over our lives and just like a wonderful new infant, we are restored to who we were created to be...

So death happens...

But forgiveness and restoration is eternal...

Blessings to you all,

Sam

Grace...

Recently I've been contemplating the powerful break through that happens in ones life when they fully realize that grace is real. Yeah yeah, everyone hears about grace in church or at least in some capacity in their lives (or at least I hope they do), but do we really understand what it means to have the grace of God. Sometimes I find myself living a life that doesn't acknowledge the grace of God, sure you could ask me and I would say yes, God has given me grace, but in reality I would be thinking and feeling as though I was under condemnation, a state where grace does not reside. Grace... a free and unmerited gift from God. Yet in my mind I think I have to work towards grace, to be perfect enough to deserve grace, to "do" enough good things that I can be eligible to "feel" the grace of God. Granted this isn't always where I am at and I'm thankful for the times when I have enough sense to realize this, but the reality is that I really feel this gracelessness sometimes. This is especially made evident in the times when I fall in flames in my own personal struggles and sins... I feel as though I am a hideous creature that doesn't deserve the grace of anyone, let alone God...

So does anyone else feel this way sometimes, or am I the lone anomaly, the one person who sinned so much that grace doesn't apply to me... Of course I'm being sarcastic, but I believe that there are those out there who feel the same way that I feel sometimes and it's something that needs to be addressed.

I need to know, people need to know, my fellow "I don't feel like I have grace" ers... need to know, that Christ fully and beautifully crafted and worked a masterpiece of grace and forgiveness in us that cannot be broken or destroyed. Christ' grace for us is like a statue of the hardest substance ever in existence and our pathetic attempts at denying Christ' grace for us is like pelting it with feathers, no matter how many feathers I throw at that undeniably sound strong and eternal grace and forgiveness, that statues not coming down.

On a side note, I will nip in the bud all those people who may say that "I" just related God's grace to a statue, isn't that breaking some sort of commandment about making idols or something, Well I don't mean it that way, it was an illustration... (okay that may have seemed a bit far fetched but I thought it and I wanted to bring assurance to anyone who read this of what I mean)...

Back to Grace...

Just think about that phrase... to come "back to grace"

What happens when we come back to something that we dearly desire yet don't want to admit that we have. It's like coming home to family whom we love and want desperately, yet they annoy the heck out of us and embarrass us in public and we casually pretend that we are not apart of the hokey bunch...

Grace is something that brings us back home with who we were created to be in God... it's not something that we have earned, or deserve, or built up over the years, or have to be perfect to receive (or even marginally good). But it's a free gift, it accompanies Forgiveness, Love, and Mercy...

So what now... what needs to happen now?

We (myself and whoever reads this) must be a people who tangibly recognize that God isn't a cosmic being that hurls condemnation at us. We are the source of condemnation, the powers of this world want us to feel condemned... Why? Because they are afraid of who we are in Christ and how this freedom from condemnation and acceptance of Grace will empower us through Christ to do and be people who are world changers.

So as I begin my own journey in my acceptance of God's grace, I pray, I beg, I plead that you will walk with me in knowing that God's grace is real and applies to you, to everyone...

Blessings to you all...

Sam

Breaking the Silence...

It's been a while since I've posted, but here goes nothing...

Breaking the silence... do you ever feel like God and the world seems to be silent... or at least distant in some ways, yet horribly ear tinglingly resounding in others? For me right now, God seems to be taking me down a path of faithfulness, of uncertainty, of not knowing the future. It's like being in the eye of a hurricane, one moment all hell is breaking loose and the next everything is calm and silent. Yet you know that this peace is temporary because change needs to happen, change that will be messy, brutal, and undeniably necessary because as God reveals things even in the midst of the silence from Him in all other fronts, I am left ragged and chained to the only things that seem to keep me rooted to Him... His word, worshiping Him, and friends and family. As I write this I am faced with decisions that will shape the rest of my life. I'm not prepared to make these decisions. I want to know everything... to know the outcome of each decision in order to make the best decision possible. To step out in faith is scary... and I don't want to all the time. I want to be in control, I want to set the rules, I want to succeed...

So as this ultimatum of selfishness breaks through the silence of my heart and comes to life in these words now.

Yet.... change.... is.... coming.... now...

A change away from selfishness. A change away from faithlessness. A change away from uselessness, away from having no confidence...

Breaking the silence of the status quo, breaking the silence of those people who have come before me and who live now, of my past actions and supposed future plans...

Sometimes blogs do not have to make sense, they could be incoherent, not written with the most finesse and grace, like this one... but it's an outlet of thoughts... of fears, of losses, of gains, of breakthroughs and setbacks... to express and become something more than a hidden silent voice, but to become someone who wants to share life.....

I don't know what the future holds, but what I do know is that I want the future to be what God wants, yet I hope and pray that as I follow God I won't become bitter or apathetic because of the potential that God will lead me down a path that would be contrary to my dreams and passions... honestly, I would rather follow God than my dreams and passions, but sometimes this following does hurt, like being willing to jump in front of a bullet to save a friend...

Until next time....

blessings to you all